The Apocalyptic Generation – An Article

Since birth, literally, I have been hearing about the end of the world. You would think that most adults would understand that a certain event, such as the end of the world, can not be predicted. But who expects them to listen.

Maybe it is to scare people. Maybe it is to prove some sort of superior intelligence. Maybe it is to gain some magnificent power. But for some reason, they keep on guessing.

Now you are left with my generation, the latch key generation. The kids who rode buses home ALONE, used their keys to open their houses ALONE, completed their homework ALONE, and made dinner ALONE. And they wonder why us sarcastic, self-sufficient youngins’ are so stubborn. This falls way beyond “parents just don’t understand” (stolen from a Will Smith song).

Reality: We think you all are stupid.

There’s a lot of irony in a group of intelligent people gathering to form a massive collection of great minds resulting in some moronic decision-making. I present to you, the facts:

• The Killer Bees of the 1980s. The killer bees were cute. Ahh! Run from the bumblebee with the murderous sting. It is coming to get you.
• Mad Cow Disease of the 1980s. Even the mad cow disease was funny. That led to a great knock knock joke. Remember? Knock knock. Who’s there? Interrupting cow. Interrupting cow ww-MOOOO!
• Mass Suicide Cult of the 1990s. Then things got serious. Religion got involved. We had cults popping up every which way. People were killing themselves in their NIKEs and sweatpants.
• Y2K, year 2000. Then the epic technology apocalypse, aka Y2K, aka the computers are coming to get us. This was preceded by iRobot, A.I., and all those other movies where humanity’s greatest invention, computers, results in its downfall. You know when people start making movies about it, it can only be true. #MovieFact
• Nuclear Wear threats of the 2000s. A few threats for World War 3, including but may not be limited to Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Russia, North Korea, China, and all of Africa. Most of these had a Michael Moore documentary or some insightful film where the problems of the world boiled down to a lack of understanding for your fellow man. Again, if someone is making a movie about it, it can only be true. #MovieFact
• SARS epidemic of the 2000s. A few politicians made the mistake of shipping their cocaine via United States Postal Service and that birthed the SARS epidemic. This ultimately vanished, without a trace.
• Bird Flu Epidemic in the 2000s. That was followed by Bird Flu, because we know doves, parakeets, and Tweety Bird are straight gangster.
• Swine Flu Epidemic of the 2010s. Then, the Swine Flu, code named H1N1, came to ruin our lives. Solution: free antibacterial wipes everywhere. And when I say everywhere I mean every single place. I know crack-heads that were hustling those little bottles.
• End of the World in 2012. If that’s not enough for you, we have the biggest epidemic coming. We have all heard of it before. Thousands committed suicide because it is inevitable. The most famous, least proven theory of them all, the 2012 Mayan prediction.

But if it’s one thing Captain Planet taught us, because clearly our parents were not around to raise us, it’s that the earth can not be controlled or manipulated. It can only be pissed off. The truth is no one knows when the world will end. There is no way to know.

9 out of 10 dentists and psychic friends agree.

So RECYCLE or we will lose Haiti & Japan, turn California into an island, and visit Europe to see molten remains of “the continent overcome by volcano”.