The Grass is Brown on the Other Side

I am often told that I suck at communicating. As an electrical engineer, you would think I would have a damn-near romantic fascination toward phones and tablets and other gadgets. Obviously, what you think is not true. Just cause a person is interested in how something works, does not mean they want to use it (kinda like a female gynecologist). Again, I digress. What is more important is that I fail, and fail often, at communicating my emotions.

Within the past few years of my life, since I learned about continuous improvement in Van Munching Hall (#TERPS!), I have taken significant strides toward improving this obvious malfunction of me. I use the following phrase:

It makes me <INSERT EMOTION> when <INSERT PERSON/THING> <INSERT VERB/TASK>.

I have found that besides getting the point across, this is a very simple way to express my emotions and/or piss off whoever I am talking to. (Hey, if I have to talk about my feelingslike I am a frickin’ 5-year-old, someone is going to have to share in my misery.) Consequently, I have a new “emotion” to express:

It makes me SAD when people complain about their life.

Yeah, I get it. My motto for 2012 was “life sucks and then you die.” We are all trying to make life less sucky. Goal-setting is important and blashé blashé blah. But yet, is there not a single, truly happy-slash-satisfied person??

These are one of the few things in life I totally understand AND totally hate. #Totally. More often than not, people want the opposite of what they have. But when they get it, they want something else.

-      People want more money but then they want less responsibility.

-      People want more friends but then they want less drama.

-      People want to be less boring but then they are too busy.

It’s like a cycle where you get what you want, but you aren’t happy. So you go for something else, and again you aren’t happy. So then you keep searching and searching and eventually . . . anti-climax (insert inappropriate pun).

So, in an effort to shut people the hell up, I have Bing-ed some shit to help me make a point. Hopefully, this will change the world, but I am thinking not:

-      Lottery winners. The one thing you should avoid in life is giant lump sums of money. Sounds strange, but seriously it’s logical. Did you know that 70% of lottery winners spend all of their winnings in 3 to 5 years? As the story goes, most of these people can’t handle a shitload of money. Nor can their children, brothers, sisters, friends, etc. The tale often ends with a hitman, drug overdose, or suicide. So stop by 7-11 and get your ticket!

-      Millionaires and murder. Obviously, hundreds of thousands of dollars can’t make you happy. But MILLIONS can! Just ask Oprah, she couldn’t be any happier. #SikeYourMind. For the last time, money will not make you contempt. Jonathan Wraith, 35 year old millionaire from Britain, shot himself in the head with a shotgun for no apparent reason. Christopher Foster, 50 year old millionaire, killed his wife and daughter before killing himself. Wayne Pai, businessman from Taiwan, killed himself while rumors of insider trading circulated. Paul Castle, the 54 year old workaholic, threw himself in front of a train, leaving behind 3 ex-wives and a fiancée.

-      Tom Anderson. There was a point where Tom was the most famous “friend” of everyone. With the rise and overcome of Facebook, MySpace is dead and gone. And now, Tom has NO FRIENDS. What does he do now? He is an expert on real estate in Las Vegas. You can probably send him an invite on . . . oh wait. I forgot. No one cares.

-      10 seconds of Fame. This should be an obvious one but fame is depleting. No matter what amazing, miraculous, phenomenal thing you do, people will forget. Lady Gaga was the #1 artist for 2010. For what song . . . I’ll wait. . . Okay, here’s an easier one. The top-watched TV show of 2011 was Fringe. What station did it come on? Who starred in it? Takes a few brain cells, don’t it? Whether it’s MC Hammer showing up at the New Years Eve celebration or Kim Kardashian’s next sex tape, celebrities hold on to their fame because it will leave you. Just ask Paris Hilton or Ryan Lochte (Olympic swimmer) or Lil Bow Wow (rapper/actor/waiter at Red Lobster).

So, set your goals higher than money and fame. No matter how rich or famous you become, that won’t buy happiness. Simply be happy that you aren’t terminally ill, lonely, or a billionaire. And remember, life could be worse. Your mother might despise you for your success (#LindsayLohan).

On a side not, check out the origins of the following proverbs/clichés:

-      You can’t always get what you want (song by the Rolling Stones in 1968)

-      Catch 22 (book by Joseph Heller in 1961)

-      You can’t have your cake and eat it too (letter from Thomas, Duke of Norfolk in 1538)

-      Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it (Fables of Aesop in 550 BC)

-      The grass is always greener (Latin proverb cited by Erasmus of Rotterdam in 1545)