When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong

Yes I did steal that from Dave Chappelle. And no I didn’t ask permission nor am I giving him a damn dime. I know that he thought of it, but he owes me. I spent the better part of my High School years denying how awesome he was cause I didn’t want the “white kids” calling me a typical negro. I already had to resist fried chicken, show up early, and combat all the other stereotypes around them. Watching Chappelle Show would’ve had just tickled their fancies way too much for me to bear. So, Yes! Of course I watched Chappelle Show. I couldn’t miss that. It would be like missing The Boondocks. But if those little Reservoir ass holes asked me, I would deny it to the death. Note: Not for all students of Reservoir High school, just those few who pissed me the f^*$ off. Anyway, on to the post!

As I mentioned pre-rant, I stole this title from the Chappelle Show. But I am not using it in the same way. In fact, by altering its meaning, I am essentially changing the phrase. So technically, it isn’t copyright infringement. #ItsTheLaw

I love, Love, LOVE reading and watching movies. I’m obsessed because these works reveal the writer’s true emotions and intents, whether they want them to or not. The inferences of their plots, the reactions of the characters, the implications of the events, even the choice of settings intrigue me. And obviously, I love over-analyzing these things. Yay! Engineering and thinking WAY too deep into things. Party time!!

In truth, the best imaginative plotlines are those who, instead of using an actual product, invent one based on something in reality. My favorite example is Itchy and Scratchy from the Simpsons. They could have easily used Tom and Jerry. But for some reason, taking the liberty of creating your own animated cat and mouse duo gives the writers and/or artists the freedom to manipulate the drawings as they see fit. And yes, this is why I’m not the biggest fan of Family Guy. I think they just put a twisted spin on stuff that already exist. Not fact, just my opinion.

I know it’s a crazy idea but some imagined things are better than the real things they are based off of. And I have a few of my fave examples below:

The Beets.Featured on Doug and freaking Genius! Really!! It is a total rip off of any and every band coming out of London. And their songs, including Killer Tofu, will totally get stuck in your head. Loved everything from their odd clothes to their crazy songs!

Spiro T Agnew Middle School. That is freaking hilarious! To you all who are obviously not a millennial, this is the school where TJ Detweiler and crew did some amazing things during Recess. I loved the exaggeration of how our education systems sneak these little historical treats in our brain without telling us. Like naming a Middle School after a Vice President, genius and super creative!

Krabby Patty. Is it just me or don’t you want to just try one. I am pretty sure it is just a burger, just as good as a Big Mac or a Wendy’s sandwich. But I am interested nonetheless. On another note, why does Sexy Bob Short Pants want to spend his life working minimum wage at a fast food joint? Is the writer trying to say we as a society need to lower our financial expectations and set goals based on more long-term fulfillments, like blowing bubbles? What are you saying to me!?! Just tell me!

Cynthia. It is true that I hate Barbie dolls, but man did I want a damn Cynthia doll. Her dream house just seemed cooler. Or maybe it’s just because Angelica, from the show The Rugrats, got every freaking doll ever produced, #spoiled. God I was so jealous.

Terrence and Phillip.I mean yeah who didn’t watch Southpark and laugh at these Canadian imbeciles. But the funny thing about this comedic duo is that they are based on the Southpark show itself. So, the writers are actually ragging on their own immature humor and crappy animation via their cartoon within a cartoon. #MindBlown. Now, I am totally gonna blog about blogs that pretend to be deep and reflective, but are actually a combination of over-articulated thoughts, forced epiphanies, and Wikipedia research. . .  Nah. That sounds too much like right.

Anyway, in what other country can you sit around and insult major political figures without it resulting in any negative consequences? Just go to Englandand ask if the old hag is dead yet. Or imagine telling Indians that all Gandhi did was skip a few meals. Or tell Jamaicans that Bob Marley’s music was kinda boring. Or tell some guy from Thailand that Buddha needs to lay off the Chipotle. Whether it is politics, music, religion, whatever people are so easily offended.

So the genius comes in disguising your intentions. Instead of saying, for instance, Christians are a bunch of bible-thumping hypocrites who manipulate the Bible for their own personal gain, you can simply write a book about a religious cult who manipulate their religious manifestations for control of the masses. And hopefully, by drawing so many obvious similarities and parallels, people will realize that you are talking to them about them. . . Or not. In the worst case, they won’t notice it. So, you are essentially insulting them to their face without their acknowledgement. Umm, can you say FUN.

The point is sometimes you need to be fake to be real. And if you still haven’t learned anything from my half-educated ramblings, go watch your twitter feed or something. 

Steps to Becoming a Corporate Ho-fessional

Lesbi-honest. Women’s professional attire is beyond bi-curious and is totally confusing. It has a history of being dike-ish to the third degree. Yet, in present-day, it is often whore-like, prostitute-ish, and promiscuously slutbucket-prone. From the beginnings, where all jackets had shoulder pads to promote a masculine build, to now, where all button ups stop mid-chest, it is impossible to find a mature and aesthetic ensemble. You either look like a whore or look like a man. Me, myself, personally, I am just looking for some middle ground! Is it too much to ride the fence on this one?

To answer that question I hear you asking me (or one of the other talking voices in my head is asking), no I am not angry. I am frustrated Why? What could be wrong? Oh nothing, other than the world is ending, I have no direction in life, and I am confused on the fundamental basics of “everything.” But, my pet peeve for today is I can’t freaking figure out what to wear to work. It’s impossible. I don’t want to be one of two extremes, “whore” or “man.” I want to be sexy and professional. Flirtatious and charismatic. But not too pushy or unforgiving. Let me tease them with my curves, but stimulate them with my mind. I want to give my colleagues, men and women, work-gasms. Unfortunately, those garment mash-ups are hard to find.

So where do I go? What do I do? Hmmm. Although I live in a fantasy world, called SchquitaLand, where people are judged based on the content of their character and not on the color of their khakis, I do have a little insight. Aside from being an engineer for the better part of 4.5 years, I did have the opportunity to take a few business classes on Dress for Success. I learned about professional appropriate attire, and, frankly, it is ever-changing and hard to keep up with. Also, it is expensive. Please see the list of well-known basics exacerbated below:

1. A woman must be covered from above the knees to below the collar bone.This is what women wore as bathing suits in the 1920s. So, if they can go to the beach in it, we can go to work in it. Fair is fair! Plus, any more and you are “pushing the envelope.”

2. A woman must wear make-up.Women who wear makeup get better jobs, get promoted more quickly, and get paid more. Unfortunately, this is statistically proven. At the very least, put on some pucker-up lipstick and call it a day.

3. A woman must wear jewelry.I mean, this is misogynistic at best. But honestly, some jewelry is eye-catching and not too overbearing. You want to get noticed for your work, right? Give your boss a reason to walk over and check it out! #MakeSexismWork

4. A woman must wear closed toed shoes.I mean honestly, this one isn’t that bad. No flip-flops. No pedicure flashing. No toe jam or bunion distraction. Stay classy, not trashy.

5. A woman must have her suits altered.We know these truths to be self-evident, that all suits are created equally. Unfortunately, all women are not. And if you are unfortunate enough to be busty, with a phatty, and carry wide hips, you might as well live with a tailor. If the budget is tight, try getting some nice form-fitting, 30% spandex jackets. But, a tailor is totally worth the investment.
   
6. BONUS: Do push-ups cause they make your breasts bigger.So obviously, this is a bonus tip created by yours truly. Not a myth, it’s a fact. There IS a muscle underneath those “Tittle ol’ Litties”. But why do you want to make your breasts look bigger? Well, I mean, because men find comfort, safety, and security in boobies . . . maybe? And yes, this is a bit of a stretch but desperate times call for desperate measures. If you want to impress, don’t show more chest, just wake up your breasts. Milk them for all their worth (not literally).

Let’s face it; it is a man’s world. And men have one very astonishing characteristic: THEY ARE VISUAL. Despite knowing that, they are completely helpless in this; so use their impulses to your advantage. That’s how you can sell sex without actually selling sex. However, I digress.

If you live in 3012 and us women have taken over the world, you might have a female boss and female co-workers. Don’t take off the makeup just yet. Ironically, women aren’t necessarily visual, but we are ridiculously detail-oriented. So, we can totally spot that chick who tries extra hard in her ensemble. Keep up the effort, gurl!

So, in short I am wrong. I am backwards and sooo 1964. The way you dress is your personal brand. And I hate the fact that I am judged on my appearance. But life sucks, and then you die . . . . End Of Story!

My High School Sweetheart is Getting Out of Jail

I am obviously having a crappy week because this title is by far the least creative thing I’ve written in a while. It is blunt, straightforward, and lacks innovation. Let’s call this the Apple-After-Steve-Jobs title, or AASJ. I will do better . . . next time. 

Anyway, the title has no metaphorical significance. Nor is it an analogy of some sort. Nor is it borrowed from a song (And this is a total detour, but R&B and Country music are both equally depressing. This title could easily be either the name of one of those broken hearted, Keyshia Cole -type songs OR a unique rendition of those super sad, super violent Country songs with lyrics like “She broke my heart, so I broke her jaw.” #ImJustSaying). Any-who, this week’s entry is a reflection on the month of October and what it means to me. Prepare yourself as I invite you into my personal life. Note:  If you have no interest in my historically tragic love life, feel free to skip to my commentary on the artist Future or the sociopath Hitler. By the way, am I really this random in person? #DontAnswerThat

In High School, I was kind of an oddball, always weird, always myself (some things never change). Anyway, I was a straight-A student who had a secret crush on the bad boy, rebel-types. Senior year, I dated this guy, who henceforth will be known as Incarceration. Ya see, Incarceration had a violent streak in High School, which, at the time, was the definition of H-O-T-T hot! Incarceration was known as that one guy who would KILL YOU. I attribute his blatant disregard for the law and his obsession with all things “naughty” to one of the following:

Napoleon complex. Yeah Incarceration was a short man. Not Oompa Loompa-short but noticeably smaller. Don’t judge me!

Peer pressure. Of course I would date the one white guy with all black friends. What can I say? I like my cream with mocha.

Mother with Cancer. Yes, I did hit you with some hard reality just now.  

Whilst in our juvenile fling, my main function as Incarceration’s girlfriend was to calm him down as his mother’s condition worsened. Then, one day the word came, and my sole function was to console him because she had passed.

Her death came suddenly and viciously. And if you are a guy like Incarceration, feeling the world come crashing down on you, on top of hormones, school stress, and whatever else, you tend to lose your ever-loving mind. So, Incarceration went to prison, and I went to college. Sad love story, but aren’t they all?

Anyway, that being my first love, it was a tough loss. And no I’m not speaking about the emotional attachment I had to Incarceration. I am referencing the lost of adolescence. That was the day I understood how tragic “lost” can be. It disturbs me how much he had to grow in that short time from diagnosis to death. Incarceration was stripped away from his childhood, almost the second he learned of his mother’s illness.

I cant imagine what that feels like. Maybe like a child actor, being forced to play adult roles during the day, and then return to the broken remainder of a childhood they have in their trailer? Maybe? Anyway, in truth, being exposed to such R-rated emotion and events can have a huge, negative impact on a child. It killed MJ, it ruined Britney Spears, and it is coming for Honey Boo-Boo. And no I am not here to discuss America’s obsession with entertainment. That was just me going on a tangent again. The bigger problem is Cancer!

Without a doubt, Cancer is the most vicious, unforgiving, disgraceful disease of our time. It corrodes the family dynamic. It destroys adolescence. It creates widows. It changes lives forever. And the National Football League recognizes these truths.

So that is why I like October. It is football season, the leaves are changing, and we get a reminder that despite our pathetically disinteresting lives, there are people who are struggling in the world, fighting daily for their existence. And there’s nothing quite like a bunch of big, black, beautiful, behemoths chasing pig skin to help remind us of that. Yes, the NFL takes advantage of players and refs, is incredibly sexist, and impossibly over-commercialized. But watching these 6-ft-bajillion football players in their pink shoes, pink gloves, and pink socks, breaks my heart. And some go so far as to wear their pink accessories well past the month of October. I just love it!

I present now my philosophy: life sucks and then you die. At the very least, you can find some purpose in it. Even if that means turning your incredibly demanding and exploitive job into an awareness program. Or popularizing your heart-wrenching story to forewarn potential parents about the pitfalls of stardom. Or raising money to support a Cancer foundation in memory of a mother who changed how you saw the world. 

Whatever it is, just do it! #Nike

Just an FYI, I will try and be less “after school special” next week.

Rap Demystified: Future – Same Damn Time

So, I have been thinking about doing this series for a while now. It occurred to me that rap music has been deemed ignorant, disgraceful, and misogynistic by the fact-checkers of society #RepublicanJoke. Unfortunately, I think most people cannot capture the true essence of a rap song. These songs, at first glance, seem shallow and insubstantial. However, I am going to present what I believe is the truth behind the lyrics. Observe as I break down the crafty intricacies displayed by rap artists.

Presenting “Same Damn Time” by the artist Future:

I wear Gucci, I wear Bally at the same damn time
This line is about travelling the world. He is being exposed to Italy and Switzerland for the first time in his life and he is super excited.

On the phone, cooking dope, at the same damn time
This line is by far the most exciting. It has two double entendres back to back! He is cooking dope, which is a combination of culinary science and chemistry experimentation. Furthermore, he is on the phone communicating not only what he is doing now but also what he is going to do in the future. This ability to think simultaneously in the current and future state is phenomenal!

Selling white, selling mid, at the same damn time
Using his knowledge of drugs he is strategically comparing cocaine with marijuana. This is obviously a metaphor for the socioeconomic structure of the United States. Cocaine is higher priced and geared toward the Caucasian race, while marijuana is cheaper and geared toward the urban, Black/Hispanic communities. He is essentially saying if people were more like drugs, we could all get along! #Brilliant

Fucking 2 bad bitches at the same damn time
This is where the song really hit home for me. Future is reflecting on his life and is quite ironic. The fact that he is referring to these women as “bad” and “bitches” is horribly depressing. And he does not make love but rather “fucks” them. Poor guy! He is saying that the music industry is full of deceptive females who merely want to take advantage of him.

At the same damn time, at the same damn time
At the same damn time, at the same damn time
This line repeats the phrase four consecutive times. According to my previous count, the phrase had been said four times. Hence, he is mentioning this for the 8^th time. I love this because 8 is one of the most powerful numbers in the world. It is a Fibonacci number, a perfect cube, a time metric in music, a lucky number in Chinese culture, the number of days in Hanukkah, and so much more. Well chosen!

I'm in Pluto I'm in Mars at the same damn time
Using his knowledge of Greek culture, he is referring to Pluto as Hades, or Hell, and Mars, as the God of War. He once again, is reaching out saying that not only is the music industry full of self-hating, unreliable women, but the men are angry and spiteful.

On the sofa, poppin bottles at the same damn time
Future, the torn genius, is at his lowest moment. He is sitting down, in a state of reflection much like “The Thinker,” or Le Penseur, the statue in France; however, he is not able to concentrate. Instead, he is drowning in his own sorrows, losing the state of mind he articulates in his rap name.

Gucci made in Italy, Bally belt I'm killin shit
The way I rock a jimmy Chu's the word got out I'm dealin it
In his attempt to overcome his past negative reflecting, he is now focusing on his clothing and material belongings. He mentions the word got out, as his coming in to the rap world.

I fuck her she a immigrant
Don't touch her she got benefits
Once again, the women in his life show no interest in Future as the artist. He can have relations but nothing more.

Bussin down them benjamins
Fuckin up on Louie kicks, that's the way I'm kickin it
Pharaoh garment cover me
Again, his focus, or rather his narrowed distraction, is on his clothes. Further emphasizing how far he has traveled to receive these lavish items, which give him nothing more than a temporary feeling of joy. All we can have now is pity on Future.

Puerto Rican, Japanese, we laid up at the Double Tree
Now, he is referring to the lawsuit against the famous hotel where a man slipped, fell, and was literally laying on the floor. However, the minority groups mentioned in this line are the groups who would typically lose cases of this nature. The race relations in the United States are a major concern for this artist.

Yellow ice a bumble bee, pinky ring a quarter key
This is the best line in my opinion. He is talking not about jewelry but about the buried homosexual presence in the music industry. Obviously, Future is not a gay man; however, he has to present a confidence in his sexuality that would intrigue those men, who most likely manage, produce, and/or approve his music.

The lyrics go on to present more enlightening topics and opinions. All in all, this song is about race relations and Future’s struggles not only as a Black Man in America, but also as a Straight Man in the music industry. But I warn you, don’t let the hypothetical cat out of the bag. Your job depends on it!

Keep the poetry coming, Future! We love it!!