Steps to Becoming a Corporate Ho-fessional

Lesbi-honest. Women’s professional attire is beyond bi-curious and is totally confusing. It has a history of being dike-ish to the third degree. Yet, in present-day, it is often whore-like, prostitute-ish, and promiscuously slutbucket-prone. From the beginnings, where all jackets had shoulder pads to promote a masculine build, to now, where all button ups stop mid-chest, it is impossible to find a mature and aesthetic ensemble. You either look like a whore or look like a man. Me, myself, personally, I am just looking for some middle ground! Is it too much to ride the fence on this one?

To answer that question I hear you asking me (or one of the other talking voices in my head is asking), no I am not angry. I am frustrated Why? What could be wrong? Oh nothing, other than the world is ending, I have no direction in life, and I am confused on the fundamental basics of “everything.” But, my pet peeve for today is I can’t freaking figure out what to wear to work. It’s impossible. I don’t want to be one of two extremes, “whore” or “man.” I want to be sexy and professional. Flirtatious and charismatic. But not too pushy or unforgiving. Let me tease them with my curves, but stimulate them with my mind. I want to give my colleagues, men and women, work-gasms. Unfortunately, those garment mash-ups are hard to find.

So where do I go? What do I do? Hmmm. Although I live in a fantasy world, called SchquitaLand, where people are judged based on the content of their character and not on the color of their khakis, I do have a little insight. Aside from being an engineer for the better part of 4.5 years, I did have the opportunity to take a few business classes on Dress for Success. I learned about professional appropriate attire, and, frankly, it is ever-changing and hard to keep up with. Also, it is expensive. Please see the list of well-known basics exacerbated below:

1. A woman must be covered from above the knees to below the collar bone.This is what women wore as bathing suits in the 1920s. So, if they can go to the beach in it, we can go to work in it. Fair is fair! Plus, any more and you are “pushing the envelope.”

2. A woman must wear make-up.Women who wear makeup get better jobs, get promoted more quickly, and get paid more. Unfortunately, this is statistically proven. At the very least, put on some pucker-up lipstick and call it a day.

3. A woman must wear jewelry.I mean, this is misogynistic at best. But honestly, some jewelry is eye-catching and not too overbearing. You want to get noticed for your work, right? Give your boss a reason to walk over and check it out! #MakeSexismWork

4. A woman must wear closed toed shoes.I mean honestly, this one isn’t that bad. No flip-flops. No pedicure flashing. No toe jam or bunion distraction. Stay classy, not trashy.

5. A woman must have her suits altered.We know these truths to be self-evident, that all suits are created equally. Unfortunately, all women are not. And if you are unfortunate enough to be busty, with a phatty, and carry wide hips, you might as well live with a tailor. If the budget is tight, try getting some nice form-fitting, 30% spandex jackets. But, a tailor is totally worth the investment.
   
6. BONUS: Do push-ups cause they make your breasts bigger.So obviously, this is a bonus tip created by yours truly. Not a myth, it’s a fact. There IS a muscle underneath those “Tittle ol’ Litties”. But why do you want to make your breasts look bigger? Well, I mean, because men find comfort, safety, and security in boobies . . . maybe? And yes, this is a bit of a stretch but desperate times call for desperate measures. If you want to impress, don’t show more chest, just wake up your breasts. Milk them for all their worth (not literally).

Let’s face it; it is a man’s world. And men have one very astonishing characteristic: THEY ARE VISUAL. Despite knowing that, they are completely helpless in this; so use their impulses to your advantage. That’s how you can sell sex without actually selling sex. However, I digress.

If you live in 3012 and us women have taken over the world, you might have a female boss and female co-workers. Don’t take off the makeup just yet. Ironically, women aren’t necessarily visual, but we are ridiculously detail-oriented. So, we can totally spot that chick who tries extra hard in her ensemble. Keep up the effort, gurl!

So, in short I am wrong. I am backwards and sooo 1964. The way you dress is your personal brand. And I hate the fact that I am judged on my appearance. But life sucks, and then you die . . . . End Of Story!