Snow White and the Huntsman Part 2: The Shocking Truth

So, a friend from work, by the name of Christopher Culbert (no relation to the Stephen Colbert of the #ColbertReport. Trust me, I have already asked like a thousand times), told me something that was nothing short of mind-blowing.

To paraphrase, Snow White is a cunt whose fairy-tale's purpose is to shit on any ethnicity with color. So yes, if your native land receives sun, this includes you. Whether your skin be olive, yellow, brown, tan, or black, a drop of color puts you at the bottom of the barrel.

To give a simple overview of Snow White, the childhood tale that we all have grown up to love, it is essentially a tale about a fair queen who wants to be the fairest one of all. She gets jealous of anyone who is more fair than her. At one point, midgets get involved (I am sure just for diversity) and then the queen dies. End of story. #Tragic

Secret Lesson Learned:fair does NOT equate to beauty.
As I mistakenly wrote in my previous blog, Charlize Theron isn’t looking to kill all the pretty bitches in her #thronedom so that she can be deemed attractive by default. No! She just wants to be the most pale female. So my bad! I'm sorry. I apologize K-Stew. The director chose the correct pale-face to fulfill the Cinderella prophecy. The pale queen who wants to be the palest broad in the kingdom can’t because a damn-near-vampire-chick stepped into her territory. And so on and so forth.

And then I began to consider, how many people made the same mistake I did? I was obviously brainwashed to believe pale and beauty were the same thing. This seemingly-innocent tale, with the 2 albino females fighting over who is whiter, is about much more than finding the man of your dreams. The theme of Snow White is to shame the working class. Clearly, if you are pale, you don’t get out much. Therefore, if you are a worker, aka a laborer, aka a blue-collar-average-day-Joe, aka a non-royalty member, then you will most likely come across a couple of sun rays in your day.

And that my dear friends is a mind-blowing week I had of hating Snow White.

Snow White and the Huntsman Part 1: My Re-Write

So it is Sunday afternoon, and I have the displeasure of watching the fairest one of all, some broad by name of Sir Kristen Stewart, battle her way through the classic fairytale of Snow White. #WholeTime I thought I was watching Game of Thrones but apparently I was wrong. Anyway, the supposed runner-up in the beauty contests, aka the HoneyBooBoo of all the land, is actually the gorgeous Queen, Charlize Theron. Aint yall ever heard the saying “the older the berry, the sweeter the juice” (SmokeyFromFriday)?

In truth, this story was unbelieveable from the second the Mirror-Mirror-On-The-Wall told us Charlize Theron is uglier than K-stew. Next thing, we had Gollum-looking fairies crawl out of pigeons and fly up in the air, like the man of Steel, except with mad fairy dust or ecstasy powder (your guess is as good as mine).

The film stars:

-Bambi’s dad, who looks like Rudolph without the red-nose 

-7 Irish midgets who get drunk splitting a six-pack AND fight like miniature Jet Li’s
-My main man Thor, who spent most of the movie swinging an axe, instead of his usual hammer; regardless, he was sexy
-And William, who is random and truly has no purpose

At one point, Charlize is crawling on the floor in black sludge, like she came out of a well similar to that of the Ring. So yeah, #WholeTime this movie was involved.

Despite the many problems I had with this movie, it wasn’t unbearable. BUT, I think with my creative input, it wouldn’t have been better per se, but definitely more interesting.

!!MY VERSION!!

Bella, the pale-faced vampire, is done with the Jacob/Edward debacle that has become her life and seeks refuge in a land far, far away.

Thor, PMSing over another fight with brother Loki, seeks solitude in the sweet wilderness.

Of course, Bella comes and fucks up his plan with her presence. So, he volunteers 7 friends to come fight her away. She seduces them to the point where they shrink and sing.

Thor then goes out of his way to hire Charlize to get rid of her. Charlize sadly declines because she is staring in an Action-Romance-Suspense-Comedy with Gerard Butler…again.

Consequently, Thor gives up and just kisses Bella. She literally wakes up and realizes she still loves Edward. So, she goes back to him, crying vampire glitter. And Thor returns to whatever planet he is from.

-End Scene-

Resurrection Sunday

Life is a beautiful struggle once said Talib Kweli, a phenomenal inspiring rapper from the new city of York. And he is show white (aka “so right” with some teeth missing). Me, myself, personally, I often wonder about why I have these constant, internal debates about the many subjects of life. Why do I hate flip-floppers and hypocrites when I myself grew to appreciate a change in opinion? And why do I preach change and revolution, when I hate updating my outdated way of life?

I have come to the conclusion that I am either insane or normal. For real-io, struggle is necessary. Actually its more of a necessary evil, but aren’t all evils necessary? (Quick answer, no!)

Anyway, struggling with oneself is the beginning of change. And we all know change is good. Because change leads to improvement.

I mean, can you imagine the person who is not capable of improvement? What perfect person must he/she/hermaphrodite be? This specimen, who obviously has it all figured out, like many narcissistic ass holes claim, MUST have nothing left to learn. And if that were really true, they should kill themselves. . . But if you know narcissists like I know narcissists, and I know #HellaNarcissists, they love themselves WAY too much to even consider the thought of self-infliction. However, I digress.

Sitting in Church on Resurrection Sunday (or to the non-believers Easter aka Peter Cottontail’s Annual Visit aka Get Chocolate and Peeps for Hallmark Purposes and No Other Reason Day), I have had the opportunity to reflect. One thing Christianity claims is the belief that we have the only eternal-living Messiah, aka our God can not die. This is emphasized on Resurrection Sunday when the human-form of God, which is also his Son (I know confusing), is killed and then returns in 3 days.

However, to the dismay of many Christians, this is not true. The idea of a dying/resurrecting/reincarnating God is prevalent in religions as old as ancient (yes I did just say that).

Example #1:  Persephone from Ancient Greece. She was the daughter of Zeus, abducted by Hades, and eventually became his wife (So yeah, Hades married his niece, which makes him a #perv). She dies and goes to Hell every year, but returns to bring fruit to the world.

Example #2:Ishtar is a Babylonian goddess, who was worshiped in northern Mesopotamia. She is associated with sex. So this chick threatens the Underworld’s gatekeeper to let her in. When she descends into the depths of hell, all sexual activity on Earth stops. The Gods decide that this is bad (thank you Gods) and forces her to leave. So her and her sister are on this rotation of who gets to be in Hell. Essentially, if you aren’t getting laid, Ishtar is in hell.

Example #3: Osiris from Ancient Egypt. The God of the afterlife, or King of the Living, or Merciful Judge, this dude was killed by his brother (like Mufasa and Scar) because his brother wanted his throne (like Mufasa and Scar #ToldYou). His wife puts him back together (Down Ass Chick) in enough time to get pregnant (he obviously got that good good) and then he dies again. His son is considered the reincarnation of the father (sound familiar?).

Anyway, some psychoanalyst, Carl Jung, suggested that resurrected pagan gods who preceded Christ were a foreshadowing of Christ’s death. And you may disagree but I find this interesting and compelling to debate. Either these pagan deities were a prediction that came true in the form of Jesus OR Christians have stole this concept and inserted it into Christianity.

Tick, tick, tick, BOOM! Mind blown!