Snow White and the Huntsman Part 1: My Re-Write

So it is Sunday afternoon, and I have the displeasure of watching the fairest one of all, some broad by name of Sir Kristen Stewart, battle her way through the classic fairytale of Snow White. #WholeTime I thought I was watching Game of Thrones but apparently I was wrong. Anyway, the supposed runner-up in the beauty contests, aka the HoneyBooBoo of all the land, is actually the gorgeous Queen, Charlize Theron. Aint yall ever heard the saying “the older the berry, the sweeter the juice” (SmokeyFromFriday)?

In truth, this story was unbelieveable from the second the Mirror-Mirror-On-The-Wall told us Charlize Theron is uglier than K-stew. Next thing, we had Gollum-looking fairies crawl out of pigeons and fly up in the air, like the man of Steel, except with mad fairy dust or ecstasy powder (your guess is as good as mine).

The film stars:

-Bambi’s dad, who looks like Rudolph without the red-nose 

-7 Irish midgets who get drunk splitting a six-pack AND fight like miniature Jet Li’s
-My main man Thor, who spent most of the movie swinging an axe, instead of his usual hammer; regardless, he was sexy
-And William, who is random and truly has no purpose

At one point, Charlize is crawling on the floor in black sludge, like she came out of a well similar to that of the Ring. So yeah, #WholeTime this movie was involved.

Despite the many problems I had with this movie, it wasn’t unbearable. BUT, I think with my creative input, it wouldn’t have been better per se, but definitely more interesting.

!!MY VERSION!!

Bella, the pale-faced vampire, is done with the Jacob/Edward debacle that has become her life and seeks refuge in a land far, far away.

Thor, PMSing over another fight with brother Loki, seeks solitude in the sweet wilderness.

Of course, Bella comes and fucks up his plan with her presence. So, he volunteers 7 friends to come fight her away. She seduces them to the point where they shrink and sing.

Thor then goes out of his way to hire Charlize to get rid of her. Charlize sadly declines because she is staring in an Action-Romance-Suspense-Comedy with Gerard Butler…again.

Consequently, Thor gives up and just kisses Bella. She literally wakes up and realizes she still loves Edward. So, she goes back to him, crying vampire glitter. And Thor returns to whatever planet he is from.

-End Scene-