Rap Lyrics Demystified – Kendrick Lamar

In celebration of World Turtle Day, I acknowledge my Terrapin Alma Mater. That truly has nothingto do with this blog. So yeah, I just began with a tangent.

Anyway, recently, the songbird of the name Gaga Lady has remixed the lyrics of the occasional, unoriginal, essentially boring rapper Kendrick Lamar. You can hear him on such trashy songs like Hood Gone Love It, Fuckin’ Problems, and the remix to Black Lip Bastard.
Note: You can tell from his discography what kind of trashy, ratchet, often incompetent rapper he is. I mean, the man rarely puts together lyrics that inspire thought. And I say rarely with extreme emphasis.

To better prepare ya’all for the wreckage that is Mr. Lamar’s words, I have broken down the lyrics to a song, Bitch, Don’t Kill My Vibe, from his premiere album:

Look inside my soul and you can find gold and maybe get rich
Look inside of your soul and you can find out it never exist
He is saying that he is obsessed with money and jewelry. And that people who aren’t obsessed with this concept have no soul. I mean, what a jerk! I tend to have a soul based on true wealth, which we all know is generosity, sincerity, and humor. #TakeThat

I can feel the changes
I can feel a new life
Change, as explained in Saturday morning cartoons, is the science fiction action of transformation. Senor Kendrick is saying he can feel a new life within his science fiction. Umm, can you say pothead?

I always knew life can be dangerous
Now, he is saying Transformers are dangerous. Well, no shit Sherlock.

I can say that I like a challenge and you tell me it's painless
You don't know what pain is
Challenge, as used in this context, is synonymous with duel. Now, this “genius” wants us to believe he likes duels because they are painless. Obviously, I don’t know what pain is because I thought a duel was a standoff between pistol-swinging cowboys from the era most often associated with the 1850s Gold Rush. In SAT terms, a duel is to pain as Kendrick Lamar as to naptime.

How can I paint this picture
When the color blind is hanging with ya
First, you can paint a picture with a paintbrush. Ask a stupid question and get a stupid answer. Second, being color blind does not necessarily mean you can’t doodle. Picasso, for instance, was thought to have been afflicted with this ailment. Oh Lamar with your broken logic!

Fell on my face and I woke with a scar
Again, what uninspiring crap is this?

Another mistake living deep in my heart
Guilt trip huh?

Buried on top of my sleeve in a flick
Okay. You can flick things off of your sleeve, but can you flick a flick? Well, if it’s buried no. Thus, Mr. Kendrick is saying he attempts removing the immovable, which is failing at life. #WellDone

Well I am POOPED. If I have to look at any more of these lyrics, I will simply implode. I mean, this guy is soooo lame. He is no Gucci Mane. No Waka Flocka. No 2 Chainz, for sure! And he is definitely missing the power of Bieber.

Anyway, sorry to have bored the masses with this horrible excuse of an artist. To make up, I present a joke:

What do turtles say when they pick up the phone?
Shhheeeellllloooooooooo!! #ComicRelief

Consulting 101: Projecting

Sooooo last week was great. I got $1 in reparations, which I immediately spent at the McDonalds dollar menu. #BuildingTheEconomy #ImBlack #ScrewYou #JudgementFreeZone.

This past week, a little stressful. I feel like the world, mainly Court-Dawg, has been beggingme to right this blog.

Maybe I feel this obligation because I haven’t consulted in a while. Maybe it's cause I haven’t manipulated any particular group or set of individuals all week. Maybe I just miss wearing Business Cash to an office where I spend half the day worrying about what I haven’t drank at Starbucks and the other half conversing about financial blah blah blah and market value blah blah blah.

In truth, I miss mind control (what Smokey had on Debo). It is this type of self-righteous empowerment that makes consulting such the self-esteem picker-upper that it is today. And don’t get me wrong. Consulting isn’t the only profession where tricks and techniques of this kind are used. It’s just the one the readily comes to mind.

Any-who, the fundamentals can be used in your everyday life. To get your kids to clean their room. To get your roommates to clean the common areas. To get your parents to get off DeseNuts. No matter what the purpose, I am here to provide these helpful tips.

So I start my consulting 101 with this infamous concept known as Projecting. Projecting, as defined in my Goodwin-Webster, is the act of broadcasting one’s deepest insecurities to everyone. In some ways, this is perceived as a cry for help. Conversely, it is simply poor hiding. Either or, it is something we as humans all do. A good observer will be able to pick up on these hints quickly. Please find famous examples below:

1.       The seemingly queer guy who goes on and on about his girlfriend in Canada that no one has ever seen or met

2.       The residually-attractive, overweight, shy girl who is a whore and will do something strange for a little change

3.       The newly-employed, college graduate who, after landing a job, refuses to show her ID at the club because of how obviously important she is

4.       The single man who is constantly bragging about his late-night sexual exploits with hundreds of women

5.       An entire album of only 10 songs named 20/20, apparently inspired by some average chick

Okay so that last one isn’t fair. Obviously, #JessicaBiel is a perfect match for #TimberlakeTheGod and he loves her (I guess), BUT when a man wants to dedicate an entire body of work to a girl, to me myself personally, I see it as a red flag for OVER-doing it, aka HIDING something.

As I learned from Waldo, that candy-cane-looking mother clucker, the best place to hide is in plain sight. And again I reiterate, we, as in ALL people, have insecurities. And naturally, we don’t want to broadcast our secrets. So we overcompensate, ultimately acting and doing the opposite of how we feel.

So we realize this and we want to do better. How do we change? Why thank you for asking! To conquer this feat of NOT broadcasting, I see two options:

-Either become secure in your crap or
-Continue to lie to yourself.

Both of which are viable solutions. At the worst case scenario, the world will get another Facebook. And yeah, the kid with no friends would start the greatest social media craze ever. #ImJusSaying. In the best case scenario, there won’t be male prison inmates taking advantage of female prison guards. #DMV

So, win-win!!

Reparations

So before you come at me talking that stuff, I would like to say that yes I do know it is no longer Black History Month. In fact, I am sure we skimmed past Women’s History Month, April 20^th (i.e. Reflection on the Positive Impact Cannibus Has Had in our Society Day), and some other insignificant, but somehow important celebrations. Regardless, im gonna bring some knowledge to your attention, that is #frightening to say the least.

A good friend of mine, Trinidad Mary, 180-degrees from Trinidad James (mainly cause she enjoys Platinum, Diamond, Silver, and Gold on occasion), sent me a very interesting bit of news. This information, which I am not endorsing because the source is unknown AND because she’s a bit of a conspirator, broke some crazy ish down. Here’s the synopsis:

1.       The US has paid Reparations to various racial groups including but not limited to Japanese Americans, Ottawas, Chippewas, Seminoles, Sioux, Klamaths, and Alaska Natives.

2.       States such as Michigan, Wisconsin, Florida, South Dakota, and Oregon have paid reparations to various racial groups.

3.       The only group to receive national reparations was the Japanese Americans, an amount totaling $20,000 per person.

If you haven’t caught on to the point I am trying to make, let me try again:

The US has NOT paid Reparations to Blacks/African-Americans despite the 400+ years of slavery, billions of dead people, systemic oppression, and a semi-psychosis of self-defeat inherent in slave descendants, better known as Post Traumatic Slave Syndrome.

What was done to the Native Americans was truly horrible and recognized globally as wrong. What was done to the Japanese was painful and even more recent. However, the African-slave trade is an accepted mistake that is constantly ignored and whose effects are prevalant in today's society ("don't believe me, just watch" . . . BET. It's #coonery at best).

Maybe it’s because there are way too many Blacks/African-Americans to track. Maybe it’s because we are in so much debt that paying generations and generations of affected descendants wouldn’t stimulate the economy enough to provide a financial benefit to the US. Maybe it’s because no one cares.

So that brings me to my actual point: Will we ever get reparations? No, probably not. But the bigger question is Who in Black America is working on it???? Okay, I’ll wait. Nothing yet . . . I know. You can quit thinking because I am about to tell you something, NO ONE IS WORKING ON IT.

A pastor in Des Moines, Iowa told me that God doesn’t judge us on our actions, but rather our thoughts. It is your thoughts that dictate your actions. Then, he played some Kirk Franklin and I was done. B-T-dubbs, Iowa is kind of the shiznit. However, I digress.

Anyway, reparations are a complaint that has been reduced from a powerful consensus to a bashful annoyance. Yes, obviously, Blacks/African-Americans deserve it. It would be morally incorrect to disagree. But what self-less Colored/Negro is going to nail out the process of determining how to pay that out to every “Black” or “Afro-American” in the Continental US and possible territories? Should we just tell the Census that every registered Black gets a cut of $2,000,000?

I mean seriously, I would be mad, but I am realistic about it. America, unfortunately, is changing from the Salad to the Melting Pot. More and more care less about their "race/ethnicity/origin" and more are concerned with just being American. And as we plummet deeper into fiscal foolery, we will be more US vs. THEM.

But sir-eously, I want a check. . . #BoutThemFranklins