Rap Lyrics Demystified - Big Sean

So there has been a lot of talk regarding this song from Sean of a gargantuan nature.  Most claim that these lyrics were written regarding his non-vagina-cleaning, current Glee star, future ex-celebrity, ex-girlfriend Naya Rivera. Those of us who enjoy the phantasm that is Glee, know her as the bossest of the Boss Ass Bitches, or Santana, who, when pushed will go “all Lima heights on your ass.”

That being said, I would like to personally apologize for the ignorance of the many. It is clear that this song is not at all dedicated to Santana (and yes, I will be referring to Naya as Santana because, lesbi-honest, I like Santana more. Naya a dumb ho). This song is most clearly explaining his anger at meat, a choice disregarded by most vegans. Oh, you didn’t know that the Big Bad Sean was Vegan! Well, obviously he’s not tryna tell nobody cause he be bad at it.

Regardless, please find the perfect translation of the meaning to the song “I Don’t F**k with You” by Sir Sean the Big:

I don't fuck with you
You little stupid ass bitch, I ain't fuckin' with you
You little, you little dumb ass bitch, I ain't fuckin' with you
I got a million trillion things I'd rather fuckin' do
Than to be fuckin' with you

For someone who is trying so hard to convince us he doesn’t care, he is failing. If you got a million trillion things (we skip billions round here?) you would rather do, then why are you not doing them? Why would you rather write an entire song about how you have something else to do? #Denial #YouAreCaught

Little stupid ass, I don't give a fuck, I don't give a fuck
I don't I don't I don't give a fuck
Bitch I don't give a fuck about you or anything that you do
Don't give a fuck about you or anything that you do

So the repetition is nice. It’s almost like you’re trying to pound a concept into our heads. The song hasn’t begun yet, but I have already seen the words “little” 4 times, “bitch” 3 times, “stupid/dumb” 3 times, and some iteration of the phrase “not fuck[ing] with you” 9 times. So it is clear to me that I am small, unintelligent, and not to be messed with. #GotIt

I heard you got a new man, I see you takin' a pic
Then you post it up, thinkin' that it's makin' me sick, brr, brr
I see you calling, I be makin' it quick
I'mma answer that shit like "I don't fuck with you"

So unless this “girl” posted a pictured with a caption saying “for Sean Grande,” why would he think it’s for him? Oh Seany-boo, I think you’re forcing this logic a little bit and even logic rape is rape. Anyway, 95% of my posted pics are of food, so I will assume this is the standard for the rest of the Internet. So, quick recap, the chick posts up a food pic and he automatically assumes it’s for him. Sounds like the vegan diet you just adopted is making you paranoid.

Bitch I got no feelings to go
I swear I had it up to here, I got no ceilings to go
I mean for real, fuck how you feel
Fuck your two cents if it ain't goin' towards the bill, yeah

Well you do have feelings, i.e. this entire song. So the lie detector determined that was lie. And then you get so mad that you exclaim “fuck your two cents if it ain’t goin’ towards the bill.” This line is obviously a statement about the grocery bills. If your meat-lovers-money needs to be going to anyone, it should be going to Largo Sean’s Bill.

And everyday I wake up celebratin' shit, why?
'Cause I just dodged a bullet from a crazy bitch, I
Stuck to my guns, that's what made me rich
That's what put me on, that's what got me here
That's what made me this

So now, he is reflecting on his vegani-progress. He has dodged the advances of the ham-hocking society that we all love and know and he is focusing on his amazing financial savings (#SaladBeCheap) and brand new sexy body (#KaleSmoothies).

And everything that I do is my first name
These hoes chase bread, aw damn, she got a bird brain
Ain't nothin' but trill in me, aw man, silly me
I just bought a crib, three stories, that bitch a trilogy

He is again reflecting on the type of meat-eaters he does not like, the type of money he does have, and how generally he’s just a regular ole rapping, vegan, rich man.

And you know I'm rollin' weed that's fuckin' up the ozone
I got a bitch that text me, she ain't got no clothes on
And then another one text, then your ass next
And I'm gonna text your ass back like

The “weed” reference here is obviously a play on words. He is referring to his vegan diet and how it does so many great things for the environment. Essentially, Sean here is reminding us that the over-powerful meat industry is manufacturing animal carcusses, emitting toxins into our earth, and controlling our politicians with their insane advancements in money and power. The only way to truly stop the meat-industry-ass-holes is to remove their privilege and power from underneath them, i.e. adopt a vegan diet. Oh and he also mentions a naked woman (probably some hippie) and another lady that supports his cause. Nice activism Sean the Large.

As a result, he mad he missing the bacon. Thas all. My advice to you, Mr. Sean, is to first reduce the type of meat before completely cutting out all the meat. Try limiting yourself to poultry and then go vegetarian and then go vegan. But cold turkey, man its gonna make you a hot Dog! (yeah, it was corny but I did it anyway...)

Acceptable Insanity

So I was sitting up one night and started thinking, what if everyone was insane? Like, I don’t do drugs, other than the occasional liquor lick, but I was just thinking what if everyone was an undiagnosed nutjob roaming the streets?

Like what if we all had a little bit of schizophrenia, and a touch of ass-burgers, with a coating of racism for flavor. Like what if everyone on the planet had some form, or another, of every basic social DISORDER. But for some odd reason, we can control or manipulate it so it does NOT affect our daily lives...much. Does that make us more crazy or less crazy?

Still not following? Well let me continue to digress. 

I am a HUGE fan of Orange is the New Black (Netflix me up and Netflix me out)! I love the second season more than the first season because it gave us a light into the lives of each of the inmates. And their back stories are oh so interesting. So much so that I am blogging about it.

Ladies and gentleman, boys and guhls, I now present to you the OitNB list of exaggerated mental behavior:

1.       Piper Chapman – the main character. Well-to-do young adult, engaged to a nice young man, somehow finds herself in state prison. She is constantly pretending she does NOT belong but it becomes more and more obvious that Piper is Superman-ing us. In reality, Superman is Superman. His disguise is Clark Kent. In reality, Piper Chapman is a damn criminal. She is a mischievous, troublesome, fighting, manipulating convict. Her disguise was pretending to be a normal person. Sociopath much?

2.       Alex Vause - Piper’s Ex-girlfriend and the reason Piper is in prison. In a recent turn of events, Piper has gotten Freed-Alex back into prison. Alex is a helpless romantic who don’t understand forgive and FORGET. She forgives and remembers. Out of everyone, she simply wants to do what’s right. And her good intentions got her back into prison. Dudley Do Right or Dudley Dumbass?

3.       Crazy Eyes – Poor, poor Suzanne. Black girl in a white home. She was always different and her parents sought to further destroy her (with good intentions #obvy). They made the mistake of enabling her and now she has been led down a path of social maturity in the wrong direction. It may take years, or better yet decades, to undo. As of now, she is a social outcast who can recite poetry and barely do her hair. She tends to break out in tantrums, such as pissing on the floor and beating the shit out of people. The only time she was close to okay was when she had a strong, female role model. So, rehabilitation for a person plagued with a touch of Aspergers’ and little-to-no sense of self?

4.       Sam Healy – This prison guard is living one of the saddest lives ever. First, he is a guard at a women’s prison (#BestJobEver?). Second, the only wife he could get was via purchase, i.e. a mail-order Russian bride. Third, he collects plastic bobble-head dolls. (Like not like normally, but obsessively... trust me, its creepy. in-T-way...) Fourth, he is strangely angry at all lesbians. I mean after his job and his wife, can you imagine that? I could name like five or six more things wrong with this man, but who has the time. At the end of the day, he is so close to the cuckoo’s nest that it’s incredible he is running the prison and not in it. Delusional and NOT an inmate.

5.       Pennsatucky – What can I say but she is crazy! The meth has ate up her mind and her first set of teeth. (In fact, it continues to eat up her mind and her second set of teeth.) She double-barreled, shot up an abortion clinic cause some idiot was talking shit about her. Not about her unborn child but about the fact that she can't use a damn condom. Again, instead of admitting to that VERY BLATANT truth, she is simply accepting the shit-ton of money from the Pro-Life Religious nuts (side note, how can you be pro-Life and support a person who took lives. i'm just saying, #MakeSense #its2015). Any-who, she riding the gravy train all the way to money-town!
Now I am all for letting out your emotions, but what The FCUK! Psychopath or simply smart enough to pretend to be religious? I don’t know. But a predisposition to violence and a high level of impulsiveness pushes me toward psychopath.

So the point I am trying to make is we all got our own shit to deal with. But who’s to say that we ain’t all one "watching the wrong porn on public wi-fi" or one "stolen credit card" or one "beating your girlfriend in an elevator" away from prison. And there, in prison, you can’t run and hide. You have face your demons, head on. As for me, I plan on conquering the world... just me and my demons. #ImCrazyJustNotCrazyEnough. Okay, I'm gone.

Michael Brown is Resting on my Spirit

I can’t get this Michael Brown non-indictment off my spirit. It is seriously screwing with me. I hate the whole situation, the verdict, the jury, the cops, the Black people of Ferguson, the White people of Ferguson, everything about it. Like, I am so distraught I can’t even direct my anger, sadness, optimism. Plus, it’s been a while since I blogged and writing is medicinal for me.

Therefore, just like everyone else, I will also volunteer my opinion. Here is a list of the various aspects that make me feel some kind of way:

-        No Clean Slate. Being completely objective is only something we can aim for. In reality, we all got our biases. Let’s try pretending we are aliens who are just jumping in this. We NEED to at least start with the presumption of innocence. Let’s assume said survivor of said confrontation is innocent and go from there.

-        Excessive much? So if we assume said officer was doing his job, why did he shoot 12 out of 13 times? He must have been threatened! He must have been attacked! He must have been caught off guard! He must have been something. Or else why would he shoot to damn near depletion. And was he saving the last bullet for something? I mean his basic story is kind of a stretch but whatever. Did he have a moment of temporary insanity or is the protocol to rapid-fire on unarmed robbers (and yes, Officer testimony admitted that he knew Mr. Brown was unarmed)? Which brings me to my next point.

-        Officer Training. It is apparent that the police in Ferguson can’t do their job. Not only did the crime scene photographer NOT take photos, but the 6-year veteran officer also did NOT even bring his stun gun because it was uncomfortable...bitch say wha?.... Basically, he didn’t have a chance to inhibit Mr. Brown. Plus, said veteran officer did not want to approach Michael Brown because he was afraid. I get it. Being a cop is dangerous. All the Kevlar in the world can’t protect you from a shot to the skull. But waiting for back-up and stalling from a single assailant seems silly. Kind of like you are increasing the number of possibilities and not taking control of the situation. Overall, training (or confidence in said training) is non-existent.

-        Michael Brown. Let’s be honest. Like for serious. He is 6 foot tall, thick, and intimidating. He aint no toothpick. Let’s stop kidding ourselves by calling him a gentle giant and over-victimizing the victim. He may have had gentle moments but this aint one of them. People gotta be more honest and admit that maybe he had a little more involvement than being gentle and getting murdered. Now even if he was or was not a shop-lifting criminal, he did push the SHIT out of homey in the store. So gentle aint it. But does that warrant a death? Prolly not. But then again, don’t go off assuming that children are angels sent from heaven when you know that’s not always the case. #SomalianChildSoldiers

-        Riots. Yes my people. We have a reason to be mad. They took our son. They took our brother. They have torn a household, a community, and our nation apart and will most likely face no repercussions. And even worse, this particular town in Ferguson has a history of STUPIDITY, such as buying cameras and not using them and charging arrested black men for dry cleaning when they bled too much on an officer. But should we retaliate by stealing bags of chips from Wawa? HELL NO. I mean there ain’t even logic in that. It’s stupid to riot. As justified as you may think, you are being stupid and playing into the very thing that they want you to do. Don’t let yourself be manipulated. Which leads me to my next point.

-        Who’s in Charge of Ferguson. This is a big point which I feel no one is talking about. Everything about Ferguson and the management of the trial can be explained in a simple word “thoughtless.” Who thought it was a good idea to violently arrest people who were peacefully protesting? Who thought it was a good idea to buy police cameras and not install them on the vests of police officers? Who thought it was a good idea to roll out the tanks and riot gear? Who thought it was a good idea to release the results of the trail at 8PM at night and not at 2PM the next day? Who thought it was a good idea to cancel school a day in advance, leaving these angry teenagers the right to hang out all hours of the night with academic consequences? There is way too much not thinking going on. But it’s not just the Caucasians in charge. Which leads me to my next point.

-        Not getting involved. Black people love to complain about how much we hate when things don’t go our way. We love to argue about how useless the government is. But the one time where we need to get involved, we don’t even do something as simple as register to vote (which, in this case, is a prerequisite for surviving in a jury). So how do you expect to change things if you do not ACT? I mean seriously, the jury was 75% White and the city is 65% (rough estimate) Black. That don’t make math. Short story, DO better. The two ways to change the system or to get involved or destroy it. Let’s try option A before option B? No. Okay whatever.

After everything discussed, what have we learned.

- America has a problem with EDUCATION. People choose to not think and readily accept whatever they hear. For instance, everyone assumed this Officer Wilson was wrong before they even knew his name or his veteran status or a single detail. They saw a dead black kid and police car and heard some eye witness acounts and was DONE. Day 1 the media put out “Don’t Shoot” hand signals and portrayed this cop to be some racist. I mean seriously, the media has as much of a part in the riots as the rioters. They are literally shit-starters and most of the country is falling right along in their bullshit. Is he a racist? Probably not. Is he a bitch-ass-scaredy-cat-Slyvester-looking-pussy? Yes, all day long. But you can’t assume every white person that shows a black person is racist. They could just be trigger happy. Even now as I am writing this, no one’s asked how many cops are killed on duty. Or how they are desperate to hire people because no one wants to protect and serve. This officer seems like a bottom-of-the-barrel-dumbass who was fortunate enough to make it this far in his career without needing to think. When judgment played a part in his job, he relied on his personal beliefs and went full throttle on a situation that required 1st gear. This situation alone has probably deterred the Ferguson Police department from hiring Blacks for the next 20 years. Which will lead to more scared white police "protecting" an even angrier Black population. Man, if only people would stop and think.

-        America has a problem with FEAR. Black people are systematically oppressed and are therefore afraid of the police. White officers are afraid/intimidated of Black people, specifically men. Both parties believe the only way out of this bad situation is by killing the opposition. These pre-conceived notions are dangerous. Call it prejudice or profiling or whatever, it’s wrong, and it’s a problem.

Or what do I know? Maybe I should shut the hell up. I’m just a squirrel tryna get a nut like everybody else.

Fugly Gets You No Wheres

So I was chatting it up with my coworkers, discussing the follies of the world we live in, and we somehow got on the topic of ugly people.

Now before you get all judgmental, let me tell you, it was not I who inspired this debate. Cause if you aint know, I am as cute as a button. So cute in fact, that many people have attempted to place me in their pockets…unsuccessfully. However, I digress.

It seems like research and development departments of huge biology firms and research labs and whatever else are generally focused on discovering new, unimaginable connections. Things like “is homosexuality genetic,” “is smiling a learned behavior,” this, that, and the other.

I mean that’s great and all but let’s get back to basics. Let’s justify the truths we know before we justify the truths we haven't learned. For instance, let us re-imagine the reasons behind things like genetics relating to success, i.e. how is it that ugly people tend to be so unsuccessful at life?

I mean, let’s be honest, if you are ugly, your life is pretty much ruined. For instance, all presidents have been easy on the eyes, especially as of late (yeah that’s a shout-out to the half chocolate chip, half macadamia nut leader of the free world). 

And then there's the correlation between attractiveness and difficulty of major. Oh, wait. You haven't noticed? No? Well then, walk on to the campus of the university of your choosing, without looking like a sexual offender please. Count the attractive engineers and then count the attractive criminology majors. Count the attractive physicists and then count the attractive marketing majors. Now, correlate success rates to major. . . Do you get what I am laying down?

The secret to life is simple, if you aren’t attractive, find another way. I mean seriously, the only unattractive people that have some success (relative to how you define success) are comedians, rappers, statisticians, geeks, athletes, and any other profession that requires you to be extremely talented in one area or another.

Vice versa is also true. Attractive people can let themselves go. If Brad Pitt became robust, I would still try and rock his World War Z. But if you see a fat chick with buckteeth and a GED equivalent, you have to wonder how are you not dead yet or when is your episode of Maury coming on? (okay, so that was wrong but ehh my blog. #SuckIt ). To be realistic, how can you possibly compete in a world rampant with the Cash Money DJing Hiltons of the world. I mean seriously. This girl is so over-accomplished it is disgusting.

Well anyway as mean as that was, it was a thought I had. If you’re attractive, you are pretty much set for success. Whatever. 

But if you are ugly, motivate motivate motivate. Cause you might not make it boo boo. #Fact!

Aint Going Nowhere - The Investment Strategy

Let's face it. My investment strategy, when I do ignore Sallie Mae long enough to invest, is to put money in industries that I deem "aint going nowhere." Novelties such as gold and sugar and paper. These are the staples of the world.

Everyone knows it and loves it and ... I am an idiot. Obviously not the savvy investor. But funny thing, there are crazier people out there.

As I review the sadness that is my decision to work for the Federal Government, as they work toward cohesion, I am now forced to re-reflect on my life. Doing so results in scanning various CNN and news websites (totally not searching for a FT j-o-b but I may spot evening and weekend money just in case the whole, deadlocked Executive-Legislative situation doesn't improve).

And on this voyage to converting my soon to be student loan debt into my soon to be riches, I find an article about Sean Hyman and his "Biblical Money Code." I jumped to the same conclusion you've probably jumped to, which is an obvious theFuk. But, give the man a chance.

The article, which increasingly looks more and more like a scam, turns out to be an exploitation of the Bible for the easy price of ...exactly. And that's when I had my thought.

This is our future.

I hope we don't get to a point where all we are going to be seeing is more of these sorry attempts at taking our money. And these attempts will get better and more convincing. Until finally, we, as a nation, are forced to fund the private dreams of the SeanHymans of the world. We deserve better. We, the people, have rights to pursue happyness. We, not just the clever website developers who can post a video on a website, but all of us.

So, please, don't invest just in gold. As I will not invest just in my 9-to-5. Diversify your investments as I will my various future odd jobs.

Note: When Australia had a government shutdown, the Queen fired all of Parliament. Monarchs. Cray!

Blog Recap

So I have been blogging for over a year (my Blog-versary was on August 27th) and I decided it is time to re-vamp my blog. Talking to my followers, i.e. that one person, a few changes have been recommended. The top two being content reduction and inconsistent posts. Well don’t that beat all. I get punished for Having A Life!

But other than that sorry excuse for an excuse, I have no excuse. All the thoughts I think are accumulating into my mind and falling out of my ears. The only thing I can do, to ease myself of this medical ailment, is to type.

Anyway, therefore, as a result, in conclusion, I will be blogging at least twice a month and will be writing shorter passages (I mean not like 140-character, Twitter-short but you get me). And yes I know it is sad and I know the one person following me is devastated but Quality over Quantity!

So get ready for a whole new year of me continuing to be crazy. I hope I can present my ideas in a digestible length every other week. And if not, then well, screw you.

I’m Out like the Lights on Prom Night!

DJing Stories: The Old Man in the Club

Bars are so much fun to work in because of the nights where you get the randomly specific set of locals who come in. Those who know college park are familiar with Cluck-U-Pac, the 2Pac look-a-like who works at the corner store chicken joint, aka Cluck-U-Chicken. Then you got the guys who show up with props tryna book chicks. I seen one man walk with a toy horse-head-on-a-stick. Then we got the old dude in the club who would roll up in his 1973, John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, silk, V-neck shirt with grey taco meat on his chest. He staying picking up women and ballroom dancing to umm every song.

Honestly, most nights can be unpredictable. But beyond those nights of expecting the unexpected, you can find comfort in relying on the expected. Aka, the regulars.  Rarely do you find a bar where the crowd is dull and the regulars are lame. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it happens. But not that often.

The bar I DJed at had a host of normies that come in for their usuals and leave with fun stories to tell. To name  a few of the CP-flava, we had the following groups:

1.       Sororities – I swear these chicks had a competition to see who could spend the most of their non-academic hours at the bar.

2.       Jocks – you’re on scholarship so school is free, books are free, and there are drunk/horny/gold-digging sorority girls practically living at the bar. #ObvyChoice

3.       Locals – you were born and raised in Hyattsville and this is “going out” for you. A college bar for 19 to 21 year-olds.

4.       Perverts – scheming the dance floors looking for the freshman and the younger sisters who snuck in behind them.

Now I have had the displeasure of seeing a-many-a-drunk-woman get taken advantage of on the dance floor. I’ve seen finger rape and damn-near-gang-pile-ons. There’ve even been women who performed fellatio on the manager just to get in through the back door. It’s crazy what these drunk, desperate, young women do just to get in a bar (and not just any bar but a bar that smells like shit and is full of underage children and randoms. I’m sorry but no random penis in my mouth is #WorthThat . . .  But hey I guess I was raised different. Good parenting momma). However, I digress.

Despite the a-many-a-drunk-woman who were sexually mistreated and disregarded as a sexual object and nothing more, the universe has a strange way of evening the playing field. In addition to all the perverts that were checking out women, we had one dude who loved men. So, out of the handful of old men sprinkled around the bar, we had random disco guy, the owner, the manager, and the one who was taking advantage of men . . . sexually.

So quick synopsis, this dude was like in his 50s. Old, white man #SilverFox. Seemingly friendly to everyone. Men and women. Strange thing, this guy was rich. He had a lot of money and enjoyed buying drinks for everyone. Men and women. He even had a boat that he took out on the water on the weekend. If you were special he would even invite you on his boat. But not everyone, just men. He would take these jocks who loved to get shit-faced and they would set sail for an “adventure.”

And every guy who went on this boat would NEVER return to the bar. Dead? Nope. They would show up in school after the “adventurous” weekend. They would even show up at their perspective sports games. But not a-one would mention would happened on their sea “adventure.”

But we all know, he took them men out their and had a good ole sexperimenting time.

Okay, so maybe this is just some habitual rumor that gets spread every Fall season. .... Or maybe it's not. Either way, that is reason #2 why I won’t get drunk around people I don’t know. 

SOOOOoooo many life lessons learned at the bar!