Adopt-A-Thug Program

So, it’s about 11AM on Optional Friday and I have opt-ed to NOT go to work . . .  again (thank God for this new job). I lazily roll over the bed (And no! I didn’t fall off! What am I 4?). I turn on the TV and watch the crappy remains of what still seems to be the longest-running, highest-rated daytime game show, The Price is Right.

But no, no more Bob Barker. Apparently, he harassed one model too many (I always have to steal my kisses from you, #BenHarper). Now, we are stuck with the Slim Fast-drinking, Shaun T-loving, Subway-eating Drew Carey (and yes I am making fun of someone for being in shape. It’s called irony!). However, I digress.

I really put forth a commendable effort trying to enjoy the show, even with his bland comedy, when CBS treated me to a commercial break with a cherry on top. And then I saw it. The saddest fucking thing I have ever seen. I will even let you guess what it was:

A.    The touching voice of Sarah McLachlan

B.   The deeply saddened faces of tortured animals

C.   All of the above for exactly 121 excruciating seconds

Correct Answer . . . C!

First of all, I want to mention that this Sarah broad is another damn Canadian who has the ability to sing into the coldest, darkest crevices of my heart and evoke a compassion I haven't felt since I believed in Santa #Throwback. We need to test the water and figure out what they are doing up there. But anyway, this whole Cruelty to Animals business made me sad. 

As I wiped my tear-stained cheeks, I reflected on the remorse I felt for these animals. Once I got the “arms of an angel” chorus out of my head, it became abundantly clear that I do NOT give two shits about scruffy and misses minus one fluffy paw. 

And don't judge me! You don't care either. Just like you, I was caught in the mood of the whole thing. After seeing dogs with broken legs, kittens missing eyes, you are overwhelmed with the whole cruelty of the situation. It's not right, but truly inspired to make a change? . . .  I think not.

But then I thought deeper. There are people in the US who are living lives just as violent and depressing as these animals, but we don't help them! Somebody oughta make a program to help rescue these people. AND it should come with a similar, almost identical commercial:

Hi. I’m the president of AATCOS. Will you be an angel for a helpless gangbanger? Everyday innocent people are abused, beaten, and neglected . . . by gangsters and thugs. They are crying out for help! Please, call the number on your screen. Join the Adopt-A-Thug-Clean-Our-Streets program at AATCOS.com. Sign up and give a monthly gift, right now. For just 18 dollars a month, 60 cents a day, you can help rescue attackers and victims from the cyclic gang violence terrorizing our country. You’ll help rescue thugs from their dead-end lifestyles by providing medical care, food, shelter, and love. If you join right now, you’ll receive a Welcome Kit, with a photo of a disadvantaged youth. One who has been given a second chance, thanks to you.

 Right now, there’s a thug who needs you. Your call says, I’m here to help. Please call, right now.

And you’re probably thinking, why should I care? I am no where near a ghetto or project or the trap. And to you I say, ha Ha HA! You think you are safe now? Wait until Lil DayLaShawnTay figures out there is more to get got! Save yourself the trouble and just give him a portion up front. Not only is this an investment that will save you money in the long run, but you are also freeing about 15 years of post-robbery, traumatic, socioeconomic-based stress which can only be treated by $175/hour therapy sessions.

Anyway, just a thought. But for serious, we, as in all of us, need to take personal responsibility for our neighborhoods. If we don’t take care of each other, and our pets, no one else will. #ThugLife 

Why Religion Makes Normally Logical People Crazy

WARNING: If you are a Christian or somewhat religious the following is incredibly offensive. Look away now! Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

There should be a stronger word to define how inappropriate this blog post is. Fact, I am a habitual line stepper. Fact, I am also extremely inquisitive. That combination, alone, makes me the WORST Christian. Aside: My public education system should have never told me to always ask questions because I have yet to stop! Anyway, on to offending people! Mush!!

I don’t know why I have been thinking so hard about this lately but I have been quite perturbed on the spirituality aspect of my life. Maybe it’s because religion involves such blind, illogical, non-resistance known as “faith.” Or maybe I am just PMSing. Or maybe the holidays got me a little out of funk.

Either way, I was peeping Dexter (not as good as #HBO but ehh, I can deal) and he was talking about a red-suited, fat man who brings gifts. . . . Anyway, Dexter mentioned that Santa wasn’t real and all of this Christmas happiness is based on a lie. And to me, that was kind of like a double doozy.

1. Of course Santa is not real. How crazy is it that some guy has been sneaking into houses for hundreds of years and hasn’t got gunned down by a hillbilly in Mississippi with a sawed off shotgun?

2. Christmas isn’t about Santa, it’s about Jesus. Jesus Christ! Christmas! C’mon Dexter!

And then I really thought and contemplated. How can we so readily accept that Santa is real when Jesus and Santa kinda do the same thing? Like for reals, this is what the-rastafarian-who-does-my-hair-sometimes was saying (FYI: future blog about this guy is in the works).

So here is a list of things that defeat logic, but my religion makes me believe:

Jesus watches over us, so we should be more Christ-like. The whole Santa thing is a trick to keep kids well-behaved for the year. It’s crazy to think that we are watched 24/7 by some old, fat man. BUT Jesus is not a man, he is the human form of God. And it is perfectly rational to believe this human-form-of-God is always with us (individually of course) and is totally NOT putting us on a Naughty or Nice list. #CoincidenceIThinkNot

Even though I am Black, I can be a Christian. Christians and Blacks haven’t had the best track record. Only a generation ago, Christians were the ones burning crosses in our front yard. #SelectiveAmnesia. Yet, Black folk use the Bible despite this alarming fact. I find it weird that if you open up the Bible, you may find a few passages that call for racial cleansing (Example, Midianites in Numbers 31:7-18). To be fair, God only wanted the Midianites dead because they weren’t Jewish. Plus, he kept the female virgins alive...

God is kind and benevolent. So, if you truly believe that God is in control of everything, He is to be blamed for a lot of the not-so-kind, not-so-benevolent recent events. And yes, I mean everything from killing the first born of every Egyptian family to letting a maniac kill children who attend an Elementary school in Connecticut. Fact: these are NOT the acts of a benevolent spirit.

The Bible is a book of miracles, not fairy tales. I truly doubt that every “Christian” believes the tales of the bible. A lot of them honestly sound like something you read in a pop-up book to a child before they go to sleep. Examples include a woman is made from a rib, a man builds an ark for two of every animal, a man talks to a burning bush, a boy defeats a giant, a prostitute washes Jesus’ feet, etc.

A day in church is a list of tasks that are not magical in nature. According to Christianity, rituals are wrong. Not sure why but it’s either because they are too much like black magic or they lead to OCD. Witchcraft and performing spells are also wrong, because it involves some communication with the Devil. However, performing the same “tasks” on a recurring basis (but not like a ritual) in the name of God is okay. In addition, free-styling a language, or speaking in tongues, is okay, because God knows what you mean BUT Satan doesn’t. FYI: Satan is also near every person all the time, too.

In short, when people say Christians are hypocritical, backwards, and/or inconsistently crazy I have to agree. Most “Christians” are not exemplary. We have folks who judge others based on how they interact with their husbands, folks who have kids before they are married, folks who get divorced, folks who get abortions, and folks who are gay. If you go by the “rules” of the Bible, these things, although reoccurring in the Church, are not Christ-like. Yet, Christians tend to nitpick which “rules” to follow.

Unfortunately, or not, Christianity is NOT based on rules. I will argue that Christianity is experience-based and based on faith. My approach to religion is emotional, spiritual, and solely based on what has happened in my lifetime. Fact: Nobody can prove God is real. But I can share how an incredibly inefficient corporation is still successful. I know how I got a Bachelor’s in Engineering, working 3 jobs, and worrying about my brother in the military. I have seen mothers raise kids by themselves with nothing but their own strength.

But I am legitimately odd. I see the world in rose-colored glasses. I am the type of person who can read the statements above, know it is true, but still not be waivered by fact. To me, God is real because I don’t believe in coincidences. Someone is in control, and if not, we are screwed.

Plus, we are essentially following the same religions of our Ancient ancestors. Fun fact, there are a lot of coincidental similarities between Horus (son of Ancient Egyptian god Ra) and Jesus. So, it is my opinion that we are praising the same God in the same way, but with a different name. Hmmmmmm.

I suggest you do the research yourself. Either way, I aint got no worries #LilWayne. Boom!

The Gay Scale

I love my family. And being around them further re-affirms how weird and odd I am. My family is ridiculously open about almost every topic that would be considered taboo, inappropriate, embarrassing, etc. by most normal people. Yet, in our strange openness we learn major life lessons, kinda like at the end of a daytime cartoon. . . . except this enlightening convo was about sex. #Roar

Ya see, the kin in my generation often sit around, as family tends to do, and discuss our various opinions, experiences, and lessons learned regarding intercourse. It’s like “Knights of the Round Table” crossed with a “Board of Directors Meeting,” sprinkled with a Dr. Seuss tone. We don’t come in with an agenda per say, but someone always has a romantic decision weighing them down. (Can you blame us? We are in our 20s). So we discuss important points, debate positives and negatives, set some things on the parking lot, share anecdotes, and then find out how to place Arthur back on the throne #DoubleEntendre #YeahISaidIt

So, it all started with the validity of sex therapy as a profession. Some people find sex, the way people feel about sex, the stigma of sex, the popularity of sex, the awkward parental discussions about sex, the various positions of sex, and whatever else sex-related incredibly interesting. To each its own.

Then the convo morphed into a thrilling debate on homosexuality. Why do some people consider themselves straight? How do others consider them self gay, or lesbian? And what is this in between area? After a long-winded debate, with alcohol, we all kind of agreed on this “gay scale” to go from straight to homo/carpet-muncher. Note: The scale is based on decisiveness, not necessarily on how gay you think you are. Your sexual awareness, or how well you know your own self, determines your queer-ability. AKA, you can’t help what you are, but you can lie to yourself about it.

Level 1 – Straight. This is the majority of people. They have no sexual interest in the opposite sex, in terms of long-term relationships. In this category, you may think someone of the same sex is attractive, but you will not have the urge to sleep with them. In addition, after experimenting, some “undecided” people realize they cannot be in a relationship with someone of the same sex. Maybe it’s the mechanics of intercourse, maybe it’s a difference in relationship role, whatever.

Level 2 – Bi Curious. This can also known as experimental. This person never had the chance to be with someone from the same sex but is extremely interested in trying. After experimentation, this person can either fall down the scale, back to straight, or move up the scale, toward gay. If you notice, experimentation is physical, not emotional. These levels are based on your preference for a LIFE partner, not a one night stand. Yet, as one lesbian told me, if you are thinking about experimenting, you are probably gay. #LesbiansAreDecisive

Level 3. Bisexual. Also known as open-minded. This person enjoys not only intercourse but also the relationship aspect of both genders. This person can see themselves being just as happy with a man as they can be with a woman, for eternity. In this case, it is becoming less of a "who can make me cum" and more of a life decision. I used to think bi folks couldn’t make up their mind, but really they don’t have to. #BOOM

Level 4. Gay. So this one is pretty obvious. This type of person prefers someone of the same gender. For women, known as lesbians. I had a discussion with a lesbian, cause honestly I still don’t get it, and I asked why you would choose to be with a woman. She said that she enjoyed the softness, the figure, and the caring nature of a woman. And I said you are so gay. End of discussion. 

Next Level – DTF. Being who I am, I have to give you a bonus track. So DTF, or down to fuck, can also be known as down for whatever. These people may enjoy women, men, both (at the same time), orgies, or they may even sleep with a dog. My advice: get away quickly. Note: DTF is not an advancement of Gay. In fact, DTF is a perpendicular advancement of something in between bi-curious and bisexuality. These people literally see both genders as sexual objects and are only looking for an orgasmic release. 

In truth, your sexuality is a better understanding of yourself. It is often mistaken for some physical choice one makes. As the first note said, you have to figure out the type of person you want to marry, share a mortgage with, attending PTA meetings with, go shopping for Xmas decorations with, etc. If life were just a physical thing only, a LOT more people would be homo. Queer eyes for the straight do have an advantage when it comes to that. #duh. However, I digress.

I am just trying to say homosexuality is natural. Don’t let the crazy religious people lie to you and tell you that it is not. In fact, it is as natural as hating asparagus or biting your nails (aka its all a preference). From the gay penguins in Central Park Zoo to the Whiptail lizard, which is a species of lizard have NO MALES, homosexuality existed way before God created people. I mean, if God really didn’t want homos, he would have stopped Noah from bringing the two gay lizards on the boat . . . that may have been wrong.

Well, too late now. We will get to religion next week.

Rap Lyrics Demystified – Ke$ha

So if you didn’t already know, Ke$ha (or as Glee refers to her “Kee-dollar sign-Ha”), is Hip-Hop’s first breakthrough, mainstream, white, female rapper. And if I can say, this trailblazer is one of the deepest, most-inspiring, thought-provoking rappers of all time! Her lyrics provide something that the rap game has long been missing, clarity into the social issues plaguing our society, our world, and possibly our universe. I now present her greatest and bravest song yet “Die Young,” a warning to the dangers of the infamous Illuminati.

I hear your heart beat to the beat of the drums

Our artist, Ke$ha, is telling us she is so close to some "one," that she is able to internalize their heart rate AND mind. It is obvious that her Buddha-like understanding of the human spirit has elevated herself into telepathy.

Oh what a shame that you came here with someone

At this point, she further emphasizes her telepathy by pointing out the fact that the “one” is not alone. Clearly, this “one” is a number of people, aka the Illuminati.

So while you're here in my arms

Not only is the singular manifestation of the Illuminati, or the “one,” is not alone, but Ke$ha is with them, bravely. This is an obvious reference to the Michael Jackson song with the lyrics “You are not alone, I am here with you.” In short, Michael Jackson was a member of the Illuminati.

Let's make the most of the night like we're gonna die young

We're gonna die young
We're gonna die young

Let's make the most of the night like we're gonna die young

Let's make the most of the night like we're gonna die young

In addition to her telepathy, Ke$ha has further grown her extrasensory perception. Her precognition is that the world is ending, aka the repetition of the “gonna die young” phrase 5 times.  Why five? Well, according to Ke$sha, this End Of The World prediction has failed humanity five times in the past by false prophets. . . her count.

Furthermore, she mentions that we need to “make the most of the night,” 3 times. Why 3? Well that’s because there are 3 Judeo religions, Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. Apparently, the Illuminati are in control of all 3. At the end of days, the world will be without light, or those religions.

Young hearts, out our minds

In this phrase, our groundbreaking rapper points instructs us how to discover the members of the Illuminati. She is expressing that the "young," aka any able-bodied person, needs to think outside of their mind. Thanks for the tip, girl.

Runnin like we outta time

This is a reference to Usain Bolt. He is in the Illuminati.

Wild childs, lookin' good

This is a reference to Go-for-the-Gold Gabby Douglas. The wild child reference is a repeat of the mainstream media's claims that her hair was un-presentable and wild, aka "nappy." 

Livin hard just like we should

This is an obvious reference to the Jay-Z song, it a Hard Knock Life. He is a member of the Illuminati, in addition to his wife Beyonce and daughter Blue.

Don't care whose watching when we tearing it up (You Know)The Illuminati are doing it right in our faces! Yet, the "we" is us. We simply tear it up or ignore the signs. Listen to Ke$ha as she tries to save humanity!

That magic that we got nobody can touch (For sure)This obvious reference to Black Magic means Carlos Santana is also a member of the Illuminati.

I can't go on because the rest would scare babies out of their cribs. Seriously, Ke$ha, is so brave to reveal what she has learned. Be aware of the Illuminati and their tricks!

This has been another in-depth look into the incredibly deep lyrics of a true artist.