The Gay Scale

I love my family. And being around them further re-affirms how weird and odd I am. My family is ridiculously open about almost every topic that would be considered taboo, inappropriate, embarrassing, etc. by most normal people. Yet, in our strange openness we learn major life lessons, kinda like at the end of a daytime cartoon. . . . except this enlightening convo was about sex. #Roar

Ya see, the kin in my generation often sit around, as family tends to do, and discuss our various opinions, experiences, and lessons learned regarding intercourse. It’s like “Knights of the Round Table” crossed with a “Board of Directors Meeting,” sprinkled with a Dr. Seuss tone. We don’t come in with an agenda per say, but someone always has a romantic decision weighing them down. (Can you blame us? We are in our 20s). So we discuss important points, debate positives and negatives, set some things on the parking lot, share anecdotes, and then find out how to place Arthur back on the throne #DoubleEntendre #YeahISaidIt

So, it all started with the validity of sex therapy as a profession. Some people find sex, the way people feel about sex, the stigma of sex, the popularity of sex, the awkward parental discussions about sex, the various positions of sex, and whatever else sex-related incredibly interesting. To each its own.

Then the convo morphed into a thrilling debate on homosexuality. Why do some people consider themselves straight? How do others consider them self gay, or lesbian? And what is this in between area? After a long-winded debate, with alcohol, we all kind of agreed on this “gay scale” to go from straight to homo/carpet-muncher. Note: The scale is based on decisiveness, not necessarily on how gay you think you are. Your sexual awareness, or how well you know your own self, determines your queer-ability. AKA, you can’t help what you are, but you can lie to yourself about it.

Level 1 – Straight. This is the majority of people. They have no sexual interest in the opposite sex, in terms of long-term relationships. In this category, you may think someone of the same sex is attractive, but you will not have the urge to sleep with them. In addition, after experimenting, some “undecided” people realize they cannot be in a relationship with someone of the same sex. Maybe it’s the mechanics of intercourse, maybe it’s a difference in relationship role, whatever.

Level 2 – Bi Curious. This can also known as experimental. This person never had the chance to be with someone from the same sex but is extremely interested in trying. After experimentation, this person can either fall down the scale, back to straight, or move up the scale, toward gay. If you notice, experimentation is physical, not emotional. These levels are based on your preference for a LIFE partner, not a one night stand. Yet, as one lesbian told me, if you are thinking about experimenting, you are probably gay. #LesbiansAreDecisive

Level 3. Bisexual. Also known as open-minded. This person enjoys not only intercourse but also the relationship aspect of both genders. This person can see themselves being just as happy with a man as they can be with a woman, for eternity. In this case, it is becoming less of a "who can make me cum" and more of a life decision. I used to think bi folks couldn’t make up their mind, but really they don’t have to. #BOOM

Level 4. Gay. So this one is pretty obvious. This type of person prefers someone of the same gender. For women, known as lesbians. I had a discussion with a lesbian, cause honestly I still don’t get it, and I asked why you would choose to be with a woman. She said that she enjoyed the softness, the figure, and the caring nature of a woman. And I said you are so gay. End of discussion. 

Next Level – DTF. Being who I am, I have to give you a bonus track. So DTF, or down to fuck, can also be known as down for whatever. These people may enjoy women, men, both (at the same time), orgies, or they may even sleep with a dog. My advice: get away quickly. Note: DTF is not an advancement of Gay. In fact, DTF is a perpendicular advancement of something in between bi-curious and bisexuality. These people literally see both genders as sexual objects and are only looking for an orgasmic release. 

In truth, your sexuality is a better understanding of yourself. It is often mistaken for some physical choice one makes. As the first note said, you have to figure out the type of person you want to marry, share a mortgage with, attending PTA meetings with, go shopping for Xmas decorations with, etc. If life were just a physical thing only, a LOT more people would be homo. Queer eyes for the straight do have an advantage when it comes to that. #duh. However, I digress.

I am just trying to say homosexuality is natural. Don’t let the crazy religious people lie to you and tell you that it is not. In fact, it is as natural as hating asparagus or biting your nails (aka its all a preference). From the gay penguins in Central Park Zoo to the Whiptail lizard, which is a species of lizard have NO MALES, homosexuality existed way before God created people. I mean, if God really didn’t want homos, he would have stopped Noah from bringing the two gay lizards on the boat . . . that may have been wrong.

Well, too late now. We will get to religion next week.