How Having a 20-year Old Vagina Can Make You an Olympian

So, I don’t know if you caught the Olympics but the US squad is doing great. Now before you say the obvious “The US always does great” or “It’s the same thing every Olympics,” I want you to review the medal count. For the first time, the majority of the Gold medals received by ‘My Country Tis of Thee’ have been by women. 

That’s right! Female sprinters, who previously never place, are suddenly grabbing the 1^st place title. Female gymnasts, who historically and consistently lose to either China or Russia, have prevailed. Even females playing volleyball are outperforming their male counterparts, twice over. These barbaric games, obvious displays of brute strength, now present opportunities for gender equality. For instance, Saudia Arabia presented their first female sprinter. Clearly she was covered up from head to toe, respectfully, but she ran her ass off. Nice job last place! #JustJoking

So, since I am telepathic, I know you are now thinking “What can I do to help? Should I give money?” To you I say, fuck giving money. That don’t help nobody but politicians and prostitutes. Why pay when you can play? 

Yes, I know. What a CRAZAYidea but not as crazy as you think. In fact, it is very possible. And to my mujeres, as Rapper Pitbull would say, being a woman puts us at an athletic advantage, sorta. So, I have done some research and I found the following to be true.  
(Note: I am a business analyst by day so I put a lot of effort into researching the following. My assumptions are based on age, experience, height, and weight of the US athletes. Also, US Women do a lot better in team events, then in individual events. Just a statistical addition, there is a slight margin of error creating a confidence level of 94%. AKA, it is mostly correct but don’t bet your life savings on it.)

Let’s get started:

The Water Polo team.Let’s say you are a reasonably tall female but never could handle Volleyball or Basketball. If you got some skills in the pool, you would be perfect for Water Polo. Most of these competitors are in their late twenties and early thirties. Caution: they on average have 10 years of experience, or more. So, if you aren’t naturally athletic, we can move on to something else. “I wish I was a little bit taller,” lyrics from Skee-lo’s I Wish, fits perfect here. Me, myself, personally, I have no shot at this. I am just too tiny.

The Canoe team. From the looks of things, this is a great event to get in to if you are in your twenty-somethings. The ladies competing for the Canoe Sprint even have a little more wisdom, aka age. I would say, you can enter National and International events in your late twenties, and not stand out like a Polar Bear in the Brown Bear club. Again, having a decade of experience does make the athlete Olympic worthy, but with enough dedication you can do anything you part your heart into. #MyMommaSaid so it must be true.

The Track Cycling team. So these athletes are over 5.5 ft tall, but not in every case. I was reading up on the Athlete Bios and a good minority only got into cycling because they were recovering from other sports injuries. X-track runners, X-sprinters, X-soccer players had to choose a sport that wasn’t as physically demanding on their joints, as the three X’s mentioned earlier (get it, I said three X’s. XXX? I know, #GrowUpGoodwin). Essentially, their Doctor suggested this over acupuncture, and the athlete stuck with it. Again, these athletes have a competitive mindset, and a previously “in really good shape” body. They were essentially Olympic-close in another event, before they became Olympic-ready in this one.

The Equestrian team.This is a joke unless you can afford it. #MovingOn

Handball. So, this event, like a few others, stands alone because America has no team. Due to lack of evidence, the odds are ever in your favor #HungerGames. Although this may provide someone an opportunity to become an Olympian, they must understand that gold is not an option. Like America in Table Tennis or Badminton, the eastern world runs these sports. Us competing is like watching a midget play King-With-One-Ring-Lebron in Basketball, #NoCompetition.

So, those are my few recommendations for ladies who want to be Olympians, but will start their training a little tardy to the party. In reality, most Olympians are international contenders. They have dedicated their childhood, college years, and adult years to a single sport. So, if you are like me, with some athletic ability growing up, you may think you stand a chance. The fact of the matter is we kinda don’t.

But, there are some sports that don’t follow an age limit, i.e. the anti-gymnastic events. If you follow the Gladwell 10,000 hour rule, you could achieve success in your lower to upper mid-thirties.

You just have to deal with two realizations:

1. You are the oldest person at the Olympic village. 
2. You can be like Gwen Jorgensen, who started training as a triathlon athlete only 2 years before the Olympics. Yes, she has had been an All-American runner in college, but she was dedicated on learning the biking and swimming portions. And no, she did not win the Gold medal. She came in 38^th place, but that is an accomplishment nonetheless.

The choice is yours. Either way, I will be rooting for you! In fact, I, myself, am working toward Olympic rowing.

And if I don’t get the gold, at least I will look good competing. #HellsYeah