I Am Not My Hair

First question, I thought most people saw that documentary about good hair from Chris Rock? For those of you who didn’t, here’s a quick synopsis, Black hair is so simple its complex. It’s like the e=mc²of melting pot theorists everywhere.

After a lifetime of explaining and re-explaining my hair to associates, friends, and randoms, I am atrociously tired of rationalizing a simple characteristic of my people. It’s like I’ve become the spokesperson for Negroes everywhere (move out the way Oprah, Obama, and #1-On-Itunes-This-Week rap artists). Simply, my hair is impossibly strong and I choose to manage it by using it to build an aesthetically-pleasing network of ropes. The rest of the world calls them dreadlocks, but I tend to be a little more ostentatious (#GoogleIt).

What is it that makes Black Hair so complicated? To answer this question for THE final time, let me break it down to you in two parts: Black and hair.

Black

To those who may be unfamiliar with the race, here’s a quick history lesson. Black is the term for descendants of the Trans-Atlantic Slave trade who have somehow ended up in the US. Our ethnic makeup is indeterminate due to 200+ years of forced family separation, master-to-slave rape, and all those other lovely things that come with European global-mindedness. Note: It is imperative that you do not confuse Blacks with African-Americans. African-Americans come from Africa and are now in America. Blacks are racially ambiguous and come from one of the following scenic locations:

-          North America

-          Central America

-          South America

-          Africa

-          Southern Europe

-          Southwestern Asia

-          Australia

In short, Blacks most likely come from anywhere that isn’t an Arctic. #GoFigure.

Hair

To those unfamiliar with hair, it’s that thing that sprouts from the top of your head like a flower. It may also appear in the sweltering caves of armpits, on legs, down backs, in ears, up noses, above eyes, around lips, and in anal and genitalia crevices. #Yum.

There are various types of hair textures, colors, and maintenance requirements. Types range from red and curly, black and proud, or blonde and straight. In addition, the condition of the scalp in relation to this hair type is notable. For instance, a person having dark brown hair with a natural curl and dry scalp must apply oil and/or grease to it. Yet a person having jet black hair that is thin and naturally oily must wash their hair every day. Simple right?

Black Hair

So, I have gone over the basics of Blacks and hair. Consider yourself up to speed. But alas, down the straightaway comes a curve. Black hair, unlike its ethnically-defined counterparts, is versatile. At rest, it grows upon itself creating a bush-like protective helmet, or the afro (a response from the hair to protect the scalp from a warm climate). With proper care and management, it can be platted or braided down or up. You can apply a perm solution to it and it will become straight and flowing. Or you can dread it to make a series of locks. It comes in many looks, not distinctive to any single individual’s race or ethnicity.

A huge misconception is that the style of the hair determines the ethnicity of the person rocking the hairstyle. INCORRECT! The 70s police detective Starsky is not any more Black because of his afro. Nor is little orphan Annie.  

In reverse, straightening a black person’s hair does not make them Japanese. 

(Andre 3000 is not Japanese #Fact)

It means some sort of beautician applied a perm to their hair so that the style will be straight . . . or they bought a weave . . . or a wig. Whatever! The point is still the same.

The hair-style is how you decide to style the hair. Defining race based on hair-style is as silly as defining gender based on hair-style (Evidence A: Britney Spears in 2007).

 

Shaving herself bald doesn’t make her a man with high cheekbone structure and no Adam’s apple; she just looks manly. Vice versa, a man growing out his goldilocks doesn’t make him an ugly lady. He can just be a pretty man (Evidence B: Fabio).

Albeit, there are certain hair styles that are associated with certain races and genders. However, a hair style does not define race anymore than it defines gender. Association does not equal definition. #ThesaurusYourFace

All in all, Black hair is versatile. It can be curly. It can be straight. You can tie it in a knot you can tie it in a bow. You can throw it over your shoulder like a Continental soldier. Whatever you want. But no matter what you do, you still won’t know your ancestral lineage.

And that, my friends, is the saddest fact of being Black. <Insert sad face>