The Mayans and the Aliens and Everybody Else

Let me begin by saying humanity is hysterical, and I laugh at those who refuse to question what they see, read, hear, overhear, eavesdrop-and-record, etc. And you wonder how magicians and motivational speakers are so successful. 

Any-who, 2012 is a big year. Apparently, the world is going to end . . . again, and we have to prepare for the poles shifting coupled with an alien invasion, or something. Me and my fascination with the masses (we are dating now and things are going great!) have been reading, researching, and reasoning these popularized Mayan predictions. My conclusion is history reveals some interesting facts about them, some good and some bad. Before I begin, let me preface with a little advice: Don’t buy a bunker. That’s stupid. Read a book.

Alright! So, as mentioned before, the Mayans were an interesting group of people. Some like to put these guys in a category of people called futurologists, a culture or group of people who attempt to systematically predict the future. And in fact, they were quite accurate about some things. Most of these events involved global and solar patterns. For instance, they predicted that the sun, the Earth, and the Milky Way will align in 3,000 years (from their time, not ours). This would not have been so amazing, had this galactic alignment only been true every 26,000 years. How could they have possibly known what happened 23,000 years ago would again happen in 3,000 years? No answer.

**SPOLIER ALERT = CRAZY MOMENT**

I would like to throw in my two cents (of ridiculousness) that the Mayans may have had some outsider help, i.e. alien assistance. Crop circles, which are our ONLY proof of alien existence, occasionally mimic Mayan symbology. So, either
1. Aliens and the Mayans were homies, or
2. Some really intelligent group of people are hilarious!
Either way, there is no answer to that question. Let’s get back on subject.

The Mayans also had a very accurate understanding of human behavior. Their religious prophecy is actually coming true now. Since the Earth is aligning with all these planets and approaching the end of its cycle, it is going through some, for lack of a better word, “changes.” Record-holding hurricanes, volcanoes, earthquakes, and other earthly PMS have plagued our planet. And in response, people are losing their gosh-diddly mindsets. The first part of the Mayan religious prophecy is that self-serving egos will control and deceive people in incredible amounts of mass hysteria. Check! The second part of the prophecy is for those who seek hope to re-align with their true eternal self. In short, crazy weather will make people freak out and hold on to whatever crap they hear, until they think for themselves and have a truly profound awakening. Part 2 is coming to a city near you.

Despite their alien assistance and societal awareness, the Mayans weren’t so good at predicting their own fate. Their civilization was captured by the Spaniards, forever ruining their cosmic pursuit of happiness. 

Be warned, joke #1: If they weren’t too busy looking at the stars, they might have been able to see the Spanish coming-a-blazing. 

It gets worse, joke #2: I guess their alien homeboys weren’t around for the Spanish invasion. . . or aliens are vaginas. 

However, I digress.

As mentioned before, the Mayans were correct about the earth’s 26K-cycle. Indeed, there are signs that the earth’s poles are shifting. So what does that mean for you? In truth, no one knows. But here is my un-edumucated guess: NOTHING. For instance, every 11 years the sun’s poles shift. And in my blessed 24 years of life, I have survived that . . . twice. And I am going to jump out on a limb and say I am unphased by the sun’s polar shift changes. 

“But the sun and the earth are different!” you may be thinking. Correct, the sun is just the center of the solar system, whose gravitational pull has a massive domino effect on all the planets therein, moons, stars, and any comets in the vicinity. Right. Its poles shifting may have changed nothing since Bill Clinton was in office and people wore Condoms for fashion (#LisaLeftEyeLopes #RIP), but the Earth is different. What can we expect from sensitive, emotional, always-picked-last-for-dodgeball Earth? I mean, it is the only planet that has the ecological capabilities to store life.

Fact: Earth is over 4 billion years old. So, it’s not as young and immature as I may have implied earlier. This 26K-cycle is analogous to Earth’s menstrual period coming back to upgrade its uterus. 

Fact: Humans have inhabited the earth for over 200,000 years. So, mankind has been through 10 of these half-marathon-cycle periods. If we can survive the earth’s freezing, the earth's flooding, Atlantis disappearing, and Joe on Blue’s Clues, I think we can handle whatever is next. 

Bring it on!

I Am Not My Hair

First question, I thought most people saw that documentary about good hair from Chris Rock? For those of you who didn’t, here’s a quick synopsis, Black hair is so simple its complex. It’s like the e=mc²of melting pot theorists everywhere.

After a lifetime of explaining and re-explaining my hair to associates, friends, and randoms, I am atrociously tired of rationalizing a simple characteristic of my people. It’s like I’ve become the spokesperson for Negroes everywhere (move out the way Oprah, Obama, and #1-On-Itunes-This-Week rap artists). Simply, my hair is impossibly strong and I choose to manage it by using it to build an aesthetically-pleasing network of ropes. The rest of the world calls them dreadlocks, but I tend to be a little more ostentatious (#GoogleIt).

What is it that makes Black Hair so complicated? To answer this question for THE final time, let me break it down to you in two parts: Black and hair.

Black

To those who may be unfamiliar with the race, here’s a quick history lesson. Black is the term for descendants of the Trans-Atlantic Slave trade who have somehow ended up in the US. Our ethnic makeup is indeterminate due to 200+ years of forced family separation, master-to-slave rape, and all those other lovely things that come with European global-mindedness. Note: It is imperative that you do not confuse Blacks with African-Americans. African-Americans come from Africa and are now in America. Blacks are racially ambiguous and come from one of the following scenic locations:

-          North America

-          Central America

-          South America

-          Africa

-          Southern Europe

-          Southwestern Asia

-          Australia

In short, Blacks most likely come from anywhere that isn’t an Arctic. #GoFigure.

Hair

To those unfamiliar with hair, it’s that thing that sprouts from the top of your head like a flower. It may also appear in the sweltering caves of armpits, on legs, down backs, in ears, up noses, above eyes, around lips, and in anal and genitalia crevices. #Yum.

There are various types of hair textures, colors, and maintenance requirements. Types range from red and curly, black and proud, or blonde and straight. In addition, the condition of the scalp in relation to this hair type is notable. For instance, a person having dark brown hair with a natural curl and dry scalp must apply oil and/or grease to it. Yet a person having jet black hair that is thin and naturally oily must wash their hair every day. Simple right?

Black Hair

So, I have gone over the basics of Blacks and hair. Consider yourself up to speed. But alas, down the straightaway comes a curve. Black hair, unlike its ethnically-defined counterparts, is versatile. At rest, it grows upon itself creating a bush-like protective helmet, or the afro (a response from the hair to protect the scalp from a warm climate). With proper care and management, it can be platted or braided down or up. You can apply a perm solution to it and it will become straight and flowing. Or you can dread it to make a series of locks. It comes in many looks, not distinctive to any single individual’s race or ethnicity.

A huge misconception is that the style of the hair determines the ethnicity of the person rocking the hairstyle. INCORRECT! The 70s police detective Starsky is not any more Black because of his afro. Nor is little orphan Annie.  

In reverse, straightening a black person’s hair does not make them Japanese. 

(Andre 3000 is not Japanese #Fact)

It means some sort of beautician applied a perm to their hair so that the style will be straight . . . or they bought a weave . . . or a wig. Whatever! The point is still the same.

The hair-style is how you decide to style the hair. Defining race based on hair-style is as silly as defining gender based on hair-style (Evidence A: Britney Spears in 2007).

 

Shaving herself bald doesn’t make her a man with high cheekbone structure and no Adam’s apple; she just looks manly. Vice versa, a man growing out his goldilocks doesn’t make him an ugly lady. He can just be a pretty man (Evidence B: Fabio).

Albeit, there are certain hair styles that are associated with certain races and genders. However, a hair style does not define race anymore than it defines gender. Association does not equal definition. #ThesaurusYourFace

All in all, Black hair is versatile. It can be curly. It can be straight. You can tie it in a knot you can tie it in a bow. You can throw it over your shoulder like a Continental soldier. Whatever you want. But no matter what you do, you still won’t know your ancestral lineage.

And that, my friends, is the saddest fact of being Black. <Insert sad face>

The Immigration Problem - A Satire

I rarely speak in AIM, but capital O, capital M, capital G. Why is it that everywhere I look, I see more and more freaking immigrants! It’s like they have taken over!! It’s worse than the cat-apocalypse (coming soon to a city near you)!

Usually, I am not Republican but there is one thing that I agree with Romney and Ol’ Blue Eyes; we have a serious immigration problem.

They have turned this country upside down, murdering the few of us who are left. They want to take our government. They want to ruin our ozone. And worst of all, #TheyTookOurJobs (Southpark reference)

I see how they do it, too, those conniving little jerks. They sneak in this country, learn our language, and fork like rabbits! And once their sperm-babies get their green cards, those babies have babies. And then those babies have U.S. citizenship. And then, those babies have babies. And soon, before you know it, WE are speaking THEIR language, because generations and generations of immigrants in this country are calling this their land.

Well I have had enough! The real Americans are basically out-numbered. I, in my powerless, ordinary, average manner, decree all non- natural citizens of the United States to get up and leave NOW. If your parents, or your grandparents, or your great grandparents were of immigrant-decent, pack up and go. In fact, if you have no sign of Native American blood, just leave.

Yeah, that’s right. I said it, NATIVE AMERICAN. RED INDIAN! If you couldn’t tell by my blatant sarcasm, I was joking. The point I am trying to make is every “American” is NOT American. We are all some descendant of some immigrant who flew persecution to find safety and well being in this country (Note: This is true, unless you’re Black. For us, immigrants brought us here as slaves. So, I vote, since it wasn’t our choice, we get US citizenship by default. But I digress.).

Even the founding fathers (Franklin, Washington, Hamilton, Hancock, etc.) were British. Think about it: the American Constitution was signed by a bunch of guys who weren’t from America. They weren’t real Americans, and yes most had allegiance to their immigrant nation. Can you imagine, voting for a president with dual citizenship? So unheard of!

Also, another interesting note, Benjamin Franklin, who earned the title the First real American, was London-born. This man is on the $100 bill, American currency, and he isn’t even from this country. That’s like if we put David Beckham on the quarter. I mean he lives here now, but he’s not really from here . . . but that’s okay!

I, honestly, think it is hilarious that politicians forget their own immigrant background. And their constituents are, as equally, full of hypocrisy. In actuality, if America had not been the self-proclaimed immigrant nation, with the loosest laws/policies/lack-thereof, most of everyone's ancestors wouldn’t have gotten in this country. The same laws they want to uphold, would have left them out of their own home. . . oh, life is so circular, Simba.

Imagine a USA with only Native Americans. For instance, according to the 2010 census, only 1.7% of the US population is of Native American descent. That means about 98% of America is not American. Ninety eight percent!

And don’t get me started with the Washington Redskins football team, Cleveland Indians baseball team, and the other bajillion blatantly racist teams we have here in our “Politically Correct” nation. I read about the trials and the defense of the sports teams. Their argument is that they are merely promoting the culture by displaying the heroism associated with the race. Hmmm. So, if I called my soccer team the Spanish Conquistadors and put Mexicans in chains, I would be wrong because that’s racist or because it is negative? Note to all reading, you can’t tell someone you’re not being racist when they are of the race you are offending. By offending them, you are being racist. Plain and simple.

All in all, don’t be a hypocrite. Treat others the way you want them to treat yo mamma . . . who’s butt is so big, when she bent over she got arrested for selling crack. Boom!

How Having a 20-year Old Vagina Can Make You an Olympian

So, I don’t know if you caught the Olympics but the US squad is doing great. Now before you say the obvious “The US always does great” or “It’s the same thing every Olympics,” I want you to review the medal count. For the first time, the majority of the Gold medals received by ‘My Country Tis of Thee’ have been by women. 

That’s right! Female sprinters, who previously never place, are suddenly grabbing the 1^st place title. Female gymnasts, who historically and consistently lose to either China or Russia, have prevailed. Even females playing volleyball are outperforming their male counterparts, twice over. These barbaric games, obvious displays of brute strength, now present opportunities for gender equality. For instance, Saudia Arabia presented their first female sprinter. Clearly she was covered up from head to toe, respectfully, but she ran her ass off. Nice job last place! #JustJoking

So, since I am telepathic, I know you are now thinking “What can I do to help? Should I give money?” To you I say, fuck giving money. That don’t help nobody but politicians and prostitutes. Why pay when you can play? 

Yes, I know. What a CRAZAYidea but not as crazy as you think. In fact, it is very possible. And to my mujeres, as Rapper Pitbull would say, being a woman puts us at an athletic advantage, sorta. So, I have done some research and I found the following to be true.  
(Note: I am a business analyst by day so I put a lot of effort into researching the following. My assumptions are based on age, experience, height, and weight of the US athletes. Also, US Women do a lot better in team events, then in individual events. Just a statistical addition, there is a slight margin of error creating a confidence level of 94%. AKA, it is mostly correct but don’t bet your life savings on it.)

Let’s get started:

The Water Polo team.Let’s say you are a reasonably tall female but never could handle Volleyball or Basketball. If you got some skills in the pool, you would be perfect for Water Polo. Most of these competitors are in their late twenties and early thirties. Caution: they on average have 10 years of experience, or more. So, if you aren’t naturally athletic, we can move on to something else. “I wish I was a little bit taller,” lyrics from Skee-lo’s I Wish, fits perfect here. Me, myself, personally, I have no shot at this. I am just too tiny.

The Canoe team. From the looks of things, this is a great event to get in to if you are in your twenty-somethings. The ladies competing for the Canoe Sprint even have a little more wisdom, aka age. I would say, you can enter National and International events in your late twenties, and not stand out like a Polar Bear in the Brown Bear club. Again, having a decade of experience does make the athlete Olympic worthy, but with enough dedication you can do anything you part your heart into. #MyMommaSaid so it must be true.

The Track Cycling team. So these athletes are over 5.5 ft tall, but not in every case. I was reading up on the Athlete Bios and a good minority only got into cycling because they were recovering from other sports injuries. X-track runners, X-sprinters, X-soccer players had to choose a sport that wasn’t as physically demanding on their joints, as the three X’s mentioned earlier (get it, I said three X’s. XXX? I know, #GrowUpGoodwin). Essentially, their Doctor suggested this over acupuncture, and the athlete stuck with it. Again, these athletes have a competitive mindset, and a previously “in really good shape” body. They were essentially Olympic-close in another event, before they became Olympic-ready in this one.

The Equestrian team.This is a joke unless you can afford it. #MovingOn

Handball. So, this event, like a few others, stands alone because America has no team. Due to lack of evidence, the odds are ever in your favor #HungerGames. Although this may provide someone an opportunity to become an Olympian, they must understand that gold is not an option. Like America in Table Tennis or Badminton, the eastern world runs these sports. Us competing is like watching a midget play King-With-One-Ring-Lebron in Basketball, #NoCompetition.

So, those are my few recommendations for ladies who want to be Olympians, but will start their training a little tardy to the party. In reality, most Olympians are international contenders. They have dedicated their childhood, college years, and adult years to a single sport. So, if you are like me, with some athletic ability growing up, you may think you stand a chance. The fact of the matter is we kinda don’t.

But, there are some sports that don’t follow an age limit, i.e. the anti-gymnastic events. If you follow the Gladwell 10,000 hour rule, you could achieve success in your lower to upper mid-thirties.

You just have to deal with two realizations:

1. You are the oldest person at the Olympic village. 
2. You can be like Gwen Jorgensen, who started training as a triathlon athlete only 2 years before the Olympics. Yes, she has had been an All-American runner in college, but she was dedicated on learning the biking and swimming portions. And no, she did not win the Gold medal. She came in 38^th place, but that is an accomplishment nonetheless.

The choice is yours. Either way, I will be rooting for you! In fact, I, myself, am working toward Olympic rowing.

And if I don’t get the gold, at least I will look good competing. #HellsYeah

Adolf Hitler Could’ve Been Worse, He Could’ve Been British

So, if you know me, you know I am not the biggest fan of ass holes, i.e. Adolf Hitler. And I know it is not nice to hate, no matter how demonic, sadistic, hypnotizing, propagandizing, conniving, or evil, but I am obviously struggling with the forgiving nature that a Christian is suppose to have. And the fact that this shithead called himself a Christian truly disturbs the elemental foundation on which I base my religion. However, the problems I have with those people who refer to themselves as “Christians” are a totally different story. #FocusGoodwin

So, knowing how I truly feel about this, for lack-of-a-better-word, douche, I have to insult you by saying that I am completely biased in my opinion. To some, he is a savior. And no, I don’t mean to late-blooming Germans or those KKK idiots in Sister-Fucking Alabamer. I mean to normal, cultured, educated, well-mannered individuals. Now before your jaws hit the floor, bear with me as I explain.

I have the pleasure, as the date written, of working for a company that hires a load of Indians (from India, not the Native American kind). Knowing me and my ability to chat it up with just about anyone, I found myself in an interesting conversation with a guy from well across the Prime Meridian. To be honest, he schooled me on some interesting things.

For instance, did you know Mein Kampf, Hitler’s autobiography, is one of the best selling books of India’s youth. #TheFcuk #Astonishing #IKnowRight! They seem to, dare I say it, idolize him; for he was a man of discipline and patriotism (truer words were never spoken).

Yeah, I know what you are thinking. What is wrong with the pizza-faced, hormonal, probably-on-opium adolescents of India? What about the fact that he killed over 6 million Jews and 5 million non-Jewish civilians in the span of 5 years? Did they ignore his extremist ideas of racial purity that, had they been in Germany at the time, would’ve called for their own deaths? Or are they just trying to get back at their parents for taking their iPad away?

Then, the conversation went for a crazy turn. After I pointed out the obvious, he said something that shocked me. I repeat, verbatim, his words were “So?” Not only is he a mindful, flawless debater, but he totally stole that throwback-comeback from kindergarten.

I was insulted, as I gave him my patented you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me face, but then came the mind-crescendo. “History is told through the eyes of the winner.” And then he asked me how many non-fighting civilians were killed during World War II? Of course I had no answer. But if you wanted to Google It, you would find it’s about 50 million dead civilians. Interestingly enough, there were only 25 million dead soldiers. That means, if you had a gun and chose to fight in the war, you had a better chance for survival than someone who sat at home listening to those jazz records of the roaring ‘20s.

So I rebutted, “Well that’s different. That’s war!”

Then he hit me with the mind explosion. “So, you are saying that it’s okay?” BOOM! Mind-blowing statement that went unmatched!

Crazy right! Then, I really sat and thought about it. America shoves its foot in Afghanistan, Iraq, etc. and kills off insurgents (aka pedestrians with guns). We have no idea how many of them are dead, and we don’t care cause WE are fighting the GOOD fight. If they DIE for being WRONG, then it’s okay. Right? Again, I digress.

But Hitler was savage and cruel! I mean, how unique was he in his cruelty? He kept his cruelty hidden in imprisonment camps. That is almost polite. Imagine if it were socially acceptable to watch men get eaten by a group of lions. Or imagine if it were your job to stone a person for being disabled or deformed. For Christ’s sake, being a woman WAS a deformity. And if you were a woman who chose to live alone, you were hung, in front of the entire city. Public display of national affection can include but may not be limited to the following:

-          Genital mutilation

-          Killing the first born (no matter the age)

-          The removal of appendages (eyes and ears and mouth and nose, head, shoulders, knees, and toes)

-          Et cetera.

Xenophobia, essentially, is the way to cleanse the world of . . . the rest of the world. At least Hitler knew his ideas weren’t accepted publicly. But had he been British in Pre-America America, he would’ve been all clear. #RogerThat

But Hitler wanted to capture the entire world!  If you ignore his savagery and focus on his uncanny ability to steal countries, you would find many parallels in history. He, sadly, is on the softer side of jerkiness. Let’s look at his competition:

-          The British Empire. They had, at one point, captured 20% of the world’s population in 1938.

-          The Gupta Empire captured 26% of the world in 400 AD.

-          The Tang Dynasty captured 30% of the world.

-          The Mauryan Empire captured 42% of the world in 250 BC.

-          The Achaemenid Empire captured almost half of the world before that.

Had he not been born, the world would be better. That is a fact that no one can prove. Let’s not live in the woulda-coulda-shoulda’s. His insanity united the Jewish population worldwide. Furthermore, the global aid and defense toward the Jewish minority allowed other minorities, especially Blacks and Women, the ability to successfully fight for their rights. He set genocide on a world stage and forced a solution. And plus, had Britain not been involved in fighting the good fight, India would’ve never been granted there independence. So in a way, Hitler freed a few 100 million people, although he ended up killing 75 million . . . . and then some.

So why hate Hitler? Obviously, he was a single-point of a racist, extremist, and imperialist mixture, wrapped up in a crazy little German bundle. But we forgave all those other countries full of racist, extremist, imperialists. And they have a well-known history of raping and pillaging. I guess it is strange who we celebrate after war. Hmmmm.

Either way, Hitler is a jerk and I still HATE him. Fuck Hitler. And India youth, let’s read a book on Ghandi!