Snow White and the Huntsman Part 2: The Shocking Truth

So, a friend from work, by the name of Christopher Culbert (no relation to the Stephen Colbert of the #ColbertReport. Trust me, I have already asked like a thousand times), told me something that was nothing short of mind-blowing.

To paraphrase, Snow White is a cunt whose fairy-tale's purpose is to shit on any ethnicity with color. So yes, if your native land receives sun, this includes you. Whether your skin be olive, yellow, brown, tan, or black, a drop of color puts you at the bottom of the barrel.

To give a simple overview of Snow White, the childhood tale that we all have grown up to love, it is essentially a tale about a fair queen who wants to be the fairest one of all. She gets jealous of anyone who is more fair than her. At one point, midgets get involved (I am sure just for diversity) and then the queen dies. End of story. #Tragic

Secret Lesson Learned:fair does NOT equate to beauty.
As I mistakenly wrote in my previous blog, Charlize Theron isn’t looking to kill all the pretty bitches in her #thronedom so that she can be deemed attractive by default. No! She just wants to be the most pale female. So my bad! I'm sorry. I apologize K-Stew. The director chose the correct pale-face to fulfill the Cinderella prophecy. The pale queen who wants to be the palest broad in the kingdom can’t because a damn-near-vampire-chick stepped into her territory. And so on and so forth.

And then I began to consider, how many people made the same mistake I did? I was obviously brainwashed to believe pale and beauty were the same thing. This seemingly-innocent tale, with the 2 albino females fighting over who is whiter, is about much more than finding the man of your dreams. The theme of Snow White is to shame the working class. Clearly, if you are pale, you don’t get out much. Therefore, if you are a worker, aka a laborer, aka a blue-collar-average-day-Joe, aka a non-royalty member, then you will most likely come across a couple of sun rays in your day.

And that my dear friends is a mind-blowing week I had of hating Snow White.

Snow White and the Huntsman Part 1: My Re-Write

So it is Sunday afternoon, and I have the displeasure of watching the fairest one of all, some broad by name of Sir Kristen Stewart, battle her way through the classic fairytale of Snow White. #WholeTime I thought I was watching Game of Thrones but apparently I was wrong. Anyway, the supposed runner-up in the beauty contests, aka the HoneyBooBoo of all the land, is actually the gorgeous Queen, Charlize Theron. Aint yall ever heard the saying “the older the berry, the sweeter the juice” (SmokeyFromFriday)?

In truth, this story was unbelieveable from the second the Mirror-Mirror-On-The-Wall told us Charlize Theron is uglier than K-stew. Next thing, we had Gollum-looking fairies crawl out of pigeons and fly up in the air, like the man of Steel, except with mad fairy dust or ecstasy powder (your guess is as good as mine).

The film stars:

-Bambi’s dad, who looks like Rudolph without the red-nose 

-7 Irish midgets who get drunk splitting a six-pack AND fight like miniature Jet Li’s
-My main man Thor, who spent most of the movie swinging an axe, instead of his usual hammer; regardless, he was sexy
-And William, who is random and truly has no purpose

At one point, Charlize is crawling on the floor in black sludge, like she came out of a well similar to that of the Ring. So yeah, #WholeTime this movie was involved.

Despite the many problems I had with this movie, it wasn’t unbearable. BUT, I think with my creative input, it wouldn’t have been better per se, but definitely more interesting.

!!MY VERSION!!

Bella, the pale-faced vampire, is done with the Jacob/Edward debacle that has become her life and seeks refuge in a land far, far away.

Thor, PMSing over another fight with brother Loki, seeks solitude in the sweet wilderness.

Of course, Bella comes and fucks up his plan with her presence. So, he volunteers 7 friends to come fight her away. She seduces them to the point where they shrink and sing.

Thor then goes out of his way to hire Charlize to get rid of her. Charlize sadly declines because she is staring in an Action-Romance-Suspense-Comedy with Gerard Butler…again.

Consequently, Thor gives up and just kisses Bella. She literally wakes up and realizes she still loves Edward. So, she goes back to him, crying vampire glitter. And Thor returns to whatever planet he is from.

-End Scene-

Resurrection Sunday

Life is a beautiful struggle once said Talib Kweli, a phenomenal inspiring rapper from the new city of York. And he is show white (aka “so right” with some teeth missing). Me, myself, personally, I often wonder about why I have these constant, internal debates about the many subjects of life. Why do I hate flip-floppers and hypocrites when I myself grew to appreciate a change in opinion? And why do I preach change and revolution, when I hate updating my outdated way of life?

I have come to the conclusion that I am either insane or normal. For real-io, struggle is necessary. Actually its more of a necessary evil, but aren’t all evils necessary? (Quick answer, no!)

Anyway, struggling with oneself is the beginning of change. And we all know change is good. Because change leads to improvement.

I mean, can you imagine the person who is not capable of improvement? What perfect person must he/she/hermaphrodite be? This specimen, who obviously has it all figured out, like many narcissistic ass holes claim, MUST have nothing left to learn. And if that were really true, they should kill themselves. . . But if you know narcissists like I know narcissists, and I know #HellaNarcissists, they love themselves WAY too much to even consider the thought of self-infliction. However, I digress.

Sitting in Church on Resurrection Sunday (or to the non-believers Easter aka Peter Cottontail’s Annual Visit aka Get Chocolate and Peeps for Hallmark Purposes and No Other Reason Day), I have had the opportunity to reflect. One thing Christianity claims is the belief that we have the only eternal-living Messiah, aka our God can not die. This is emphasized on Resurrection Sunday when the human-form of God, which is also his Son (I know confusing), is killed and then returns in 3 days.

However, to the dismay of many Christians, this is not true. The idea of a dying/resurrecting/reincarnating God is prevalent in religions as old as ancient (yes I did just say that).

Example #1:  Persephone from Ancient Greece. She was the daughter of Zeus, abducted by Hades, and eventually became his wife (So yeah, Hades married his niece, which makes him a #perv). She dies and goes to Hell every year, but returns to bring fruit to the world.

Example #2:Ishtar is a Babylonian goddess, who was worshiped in northern Mesopotamia. She is associated with sex. So this chick threatens the Underworld’s gatekeeper to let her in. When she descends into the depths of hell, all sexual activity on Earth stops. The Gods decide that this is bad (thank you Gods) and forces her to leave. So her and her sister are on this rotation of who gets to be in Hell. Essentially, if you aren’t getting laid, Ishtar is in hell.

Example #3: Osiris from Ancient Egypt. The God of the afterlife, or King of the Living, or Merciful Judge, this dude was killed by his brother (like Mufasa and Scar) because his brother wanted his throne (like Mufasa and Scar #ToldYou). His wife puts him back together (Down Ass Chick) in enough time to get pregnant (he obviously got that good good) and then he dies again. His son is considered the reincarnation of the father (sound familiar?).

Anyway, some psychoanalyst, Carl Jung, suggested that resurrected pagan gods who preceded Christ were a foreshadowing of Christ’s death. And you may disagree but I find this interesting and compelling to debate. Either these pagan deities were a prediction that came true in the form of Jesus OR Christians have stole this concept and inserted it into Christianity.

Tick, tick, tick, BOOM! Mind blown!

Diarrhea of the Mouth

So, I am from the DMV area (DC and Maryland and Virginia for all of yall who aint in the know) and I have spent a large portion of my life with Kane, Sarah, Sammy, Eric, Melanie, Intern John, and some forgettable broad who I have once again forgot. If you don’t know you better ask somebody. . . I can tell by the blank computer stares that you don’t know so I will answer. This is the “extended” cast and crew of the Kane Show, appearing Monday through Friday on Hot995 from 6AM to 10AM (then followed immediately by the Sarah Show).

Anyway, this obnoxious, rude, sexually-frustrated cast and crew present commentary on a crap-load of random subjects. If you are a fan of my blogs, I can say I have been partially inspired by the randomness of the Kane Show. I have dubbed my writings and their recordings a stream of consciousness hereby defined as the Little Wayne syndrome. (Definition: You pretty much just say whatever’s on your mind and then switch to another topic with no cohesion.)

Recalling one of their latest conversations, after Celebrity Gossip and before the War of Roses, they were discussing Diarrhea of the Mouth. I mean, who doesn’t like a #PoopGag? Anyway, have you ever said/asked something and had not realized you were actually offending someone? Then you had to stop, back up, bend down, and put your foot in your mouth (metaphorically, not literally. That would be extremely painful and amazing if you are that flexible #roar).

Take this instance as an example:
Woman A: O-M-G Bitch. I hate you. You look so skinny. What are you doing?
Woman B: Chemotherapy.

To wrap that in a nice little tortilla for you, the frienemy just gave her coworker a compliment for having cancer. #FcukedUp

Yes, I know. But haven’t we all been there. You probably thought you were making a joke, solidifying a connection, or having innocent fun at another person’s expense, and you find yourself insulting the very person you were trying to relate to. I know it’s a tough pickle to crack but pickles are meant to be cracked. #Stupid

Very recently, I have been that person. I mean yeah, I stutter. And yeah I kinda talk like a country bum who got lost in the valley but only after travelling a few years overseas. So my accent is pretty much impossible to place. And yeah, I even have a pair of shoes I refuse to take off, despite the fact that they no longer match anything in my wardrobe. So yeah, I got a couple flaws. But overall, I am pretty confident and secure in my package.

But somehow, a person I barely know, mind you, made a comment that struck a chord. And it really hurt. I mean, I didn’t cry, cause I am not a vagina. But the thought crossed my mind. And then an air of awkwardness floated between us, and will probably remain until the end of time.

In short, that sucks. In truth, I found myself at a crossroads. What do you do if someone blatantly disrespects you to your face, but by accident?

You MAN THE HELL UP, explain to them that you were offended, and hope they have enough guilt to buy you dinner or something. . . so yeah. Lesson learned: quit your bitching and use your basic, kindergarten communication skills. It makes me X when you Y because Z.

Example:

It makes me feel bad when you call me fatbecause I am overcoming anorexia.

And if they feel no remorse and continue to piss you off, vaginal punch.

Rap Lyrics Demystified - Justin Bieber and Drake

First and foremost, Just Beiber had always been the crush that made me question my sexuality. Now that I know his balls are dropping and his man hormones are kicking in, the androgyny is dying (see Mom, I told you I was straight #ParentsJustDontUnderstand).

Anyway, not only has Mr.Beiber found his manhood, he has picked up a not-so-legal recreational activity (the devil’s lettuce). JB is now transitioning into yet another boy band role (from “the cute one” to “the heartthrob” and now to “the bad boy”). All he has to do is reserve himself (the shy one) and then get old (the older brother) and he will be a one-man-Boy-Band. However, I digress.

JB has teamed up with the half-Jew, half-Black, half-singer, half-rapper, partially-attractive Drake. So, JB has more than one Black friend, a nickname, weed, and R&B. I christen you Negro. Welcome Beebz.

So this track, known as “Right Here” features the main man JB with the less talented Drake singing about being right here. But this actual metaphorical title implies a truth cleverly disguised by the Biebs (obviously Drake isn’t smart enough to come up with metaphors. All those rappers have ghostwriters to think for them). View as I breakdown the cosmic meaning to the song Right Here, starring Justin Bieber and scarcely including Drake:

Baby I'm here, I'm here to stay
I ain't going nowhere,

Baby refers to the track that JB wrote with the one and only, Ludacris. This reference to himself states that Justin is here to stay, or a type of security. Nowhere is a synonym for anywhere, which is a synonym for somewhere, which is over the rainbow. In conclusion, Justin Beiber is saying, in a conversation with himself, to be secure with the arch of colors. Essentially, this pep talk is preparing our man Justin for the overwhelming diversity of the world, or the universe!

I know you're scared, cause you've been hurt
Baby it's alright

You are damn right being hurt is scary. And Justin would know that because he has survived an alien attack. And No, he has not been anally probed. He states immediately afterward that it is alright, in reference to the late and great Bob Marley. To those who do not know, Bob Marley sought peace, even on an extraterrestrial level.

Lost in your eyes, every time that you look in mine

Stars are the eyes of the universe. And Justin, after surviving his alien attack, has traveled through several light-years to prove this.

Promise to be, all that you need

This reference is to mankind. He faces this journey alone, but the promise of survival is not emphasized. The promise of effort is all we need. Thank you for being so brave Justin!

I won't leave you baby

Even if the worse happens, Justin will be in our hearts. He will never leave. In fact, he sits in our hearts between Jesus and the deceased relative who gave you sweets at church. Boom! Right there.

No, cause I just wanna love you
I will never ever put nobody up above you

This part is stupid and written by Drake.

I just wanna kiss you baby I just wanna hug you 'til the end
Baby 'til the end

Using the tool of irony, Justin promises to spread his non-sexual love to the aliens. In return, they will give him eternal life. Hence, the “to the end” refers to the exchange between the aliens and our savior, Justin Beiber.

So there you have it! Better than a Will-Smith-Tommy-Lee-Jones duo, Justin Bieber is an alien attack survivor. Instead of responding with brute force, he sends the aliens peace and well wishes. Oh what a huge, cosmic heart you have, Justin. "All the better to love you with, my dear!"

Believe in the Imaginary

It amazes me when I meet people like me. Truly childish, yet functioning, adults. Although it may not be true, I like to think that I bring the strangeness out of others. It’s like HEY, I’m weird. Be weird with me. It’s okay, come on. Yeah! Now, isn’t that better. Now, smile. Hold your arm out and then stick out your tongue. Perfect!

Anyway, the fantasy world that I live in, where people believe anything is possible and do all sorts of crazy unimaginable things, is coming in to fruition. Maybe this is just blind optimism, but I believe everyone in the world is insane. Wonder why I say that? Cause I finally understand stocks . . . I think.

Stocks.

It’s been about a year but I think I get it. . . . I think. Ever since I got this one job with these business people and their finance degrees, I never truly grasped this concept.  Ya know, they just explain things so strangely. But I got some physcisists to explain it to me and then walah! #Comprehension

Scenario:

So pretend you are a person trying to buy a house. You say you want to purchase it from a merchant. You give them money and they give you a receipt, a deed, and a set of bricks. Boom! So what in this purchase is analogous to a stock?

A.      The receipt

B.      The Deed

C.      The bricks of the house

D.      The idea that you own the house

Correct answer is D.
- See a stock, from what I think I know, is not proof of purchase. So, it’s not the receipt.
- And you don’t get a representation of your purchase. So, it’s not the deed. (think like a birth certificate and a birth are not the same thing. One is a little administrative proof of a person being born, the other is a little human).
- The stock isn’t the bricks of the house cause that would be the actual company.

- So, the stock is just the idea that you own something.

Moving away from the scenario, a stock is the monetary exchange for a pretend portion of a company. To own Apple, for example, you only need to purchase stocks. You don’t necessarily own Apple, but the money you give them will grow or un-grow, depending on the world’s perception of Apple.

See, initially, I thought stocks were like a gamble. But it’s much worse. Gambling is based on odds of dice, cards, horses, or a spinning roulette top. Stocks are based on what people think about a company. And you know people are stupid so good luck predicting that.

Then, I thought stocks were analogous to insurance. But insurance is placing money into a pool of other people’s money, for a price. But the money you get back is based on what’s in the pool. In stocks, since the ownership is fictitious, the money you get back is based on what someone else is willing to pay for that ownership.

So really stocks are betting your real money on the opinions of people you don’t know, based on a set of imaginary valuation. It’s kind of confusing, especially my over-complicated train of thought, but I think that’s the gist of it. And here it is simply:

“Stocks are like money.”

You know why? Because money isn’t real. Money is fictitious. Money is tree bark that we gave some fictitious representation. When we moved away from exchanging 2 lambs for a daughter and a box of apples (before Jesus but after cave people), we created money! We said this tree bark with the inked version of the side profile of a dead, old White Man is worth $100. Your ox is worth $100. I will exchange this tree bark for your ox. . . sucker!

Seriously though, it really is that simple. Money represents ownership. Stocks represent ownership. Money isn’t real. Stocks aren’t real. Both are used to purchase things. Both are concepts that are kind of insane if you sit and think about it. #MindBlown

BASE-ically, the world has convinced itself that these little pieces of tree are worth the same as a television that took 2 days to manufacture, ship, and sell. I mean, it makes sense sort of. Anyway, I have to go now. I am using my money to buy a unicorn so I can visit Santa and talk about the Japanese word for Love. 

The Freud Theory on Heteros

So I was listening to this Katy Perry song about one of her ex-boyfriends. The lyrics are “you’re so gay and you don’t even like boys.” Instantly I had a newfound appreciation for Mrs. Perry. Why are so many straight men soooooooo gay?

And no I am not saying that the majority of males in the world have a secret alternate life where they dance in mirrors to Madonna with their penis tucked. That would be insane. I am referring to the double-standard of homosexuality.

SO there was this article released some time in the Spring-ish of 2012 about how all women are bisexual. My first immediate thought was errr WRONG. This is another one of those ploys that men with degrees make. I can guarantee a gang of geeks with Revenge of The Nerds on VHS and PornoTube.com as their most visited Mozilla Bookmark got together to make this “scientific justification,” proving for once and for all that the most popular sexual fantasy is REAL and happening all around them. The claims in this article make assumptions like:

Women kissing women is an act of lesbianism. Incorrect, some whores do this only to attract men. Fact: they wouldn’t dare try this with an out-ted lesbian or bisexual female. That would be gay.
Women saying another women is attractive is an act of lesbianism. Incorrect, being honest about how attractive another human is, male or female, is okay. Men do this all the time but aren’t vocal about it. Why else would a grown man get pictures of another grown man (Scarface, Bob Marley, David Beckham, etc.) and put it on their walls? By the way, gay is about intention. I know Arabic men who kiss each other on the lips and sit on each other’s laps. Gay and affection, not the same thing.
Women dating women is an act of lesbianism. This is one of those part-time lesbian tricks. It’s closer to being gay, but kinda not really. It is the same as working at Wal-Mart cause you got fired from your corporate job. I mean, yes, technically, you are working there. But, it’s out of desperation. Believe me, when it’s all said and done, that little in-between-job won’t make it to the final cut of your resume.

I know that all of the above may seem strange and complicated (if you think this, you must obviously have a penis) but women are strange and complex. Let me put it simply: a lesbian is a woman who wants a long-time, loving, heartfelt relationship with another woman. Lesbians buy houses with their girlfriends. Lesbians plan their lives together. Those women above, who are lustfully attracted to women due to some agenda either for or against guys, are just crazy bitches.

And another thing I hate about this article is how one sided it is. Let’s get real. Men are just as, if not more, gay than women are, on like a daily basis. Please review the following queer norms of men:

Men who pat other men on the ass. How many times have you seen a man slap another man on the ass? How the hell is that acceptable? And why do men do this? Where did this come from? Is it like one of those leftover traits that was a sign for gay-sex back in Ancient Rome, and now heteros have converted it into a sign of acceptable admiration. I mean seriously, the fuck?
Men who want to fuck women in the ass.This one I really don’t get. How dare you call yourself straight and you want to stick your penis up the poop shoot? There is nothing more gay than that. It is the literal act of a homosexual man. Take some time to have a honest conversation with yourself about why this is one of your fantasies. Then, get back to me.
Men who want to wrestle other men.This is one of the gayest things that straight men do. And the worst part is it especially happens when they are drunk. You know what they say about a drunk mind committing sober thoughts. I’m just saying.

I think when it comes to the gay question, I have to agree with Sigmund Freud. He had this idea that every person is born bisexual. I think there is a lot of truth to that. It explains how both genders are able to commit homosexual acts and it not be so absurd. I mean how else do you explain that both sexes have two erogenous zones producing orgasmic climaxes?

1.       Gräfenberg Spot –female sexual organ associated with heterosexual intercourse. Found inside the vagina

2.       Clitoris – female sexual organ associated with lesbian intercourse. Found outside the vagina

3.       Foreskin – male sexual organ associated with heterosexual intercourse. Found on the penis

4.       Prostate gland – male sexual organ associated with gay intercourse. Found in the rectum

Fact: Both genders have sexual organs that encourage both homo and hetero sexual intercourse.

You kinda have to ask yourself WHY GOD would give us that option. I mean, HE doesn't make mistakes right? #Deep. 

So really the gay question is more of a preponderance of evidence than beyond reasonable doubt. It's not murder yall. Its just a rainbow.