Adopt-A-Thug Program

So, it’s about 11AM on Optional Friday and I have opt-ed to NOT go to work . . .  again (thank God for this new job). I lazily roll over the bed (And no! I didn’t fall off! What am I 4?). I turn on the TV and watch the crappy remains of what still seems to be the longest-running, highest-rated daytime game show, The Price is Right.

But no, no more Bob Barker. Apparently, he harassed one model too many (I always have to steal my kisses from you, #BenHarper). Now, we are stuck with the Slim Fast-drinking, Shaun T-loving, Subway-eating Drew Carey (and yes I am making fun of someone for being in shape. It’s called irony!). However, I digress.

I really put forth a commendable effort trying to enjoy the show, even with his bland comedy, when CBS treated me to a commercial break with a cherry on top. And then I saw it. The saddest fucking thing I have ever seen. I will even let you guess what it was:

A.    The touching voice of Sarah McLachlan

B.   The deeply saddened faces of tortured animals

C.   All of the above for exactly 121 excruciating seconds

Correct Answer . . . C!

First of all, I want to mention that this Sarah broad is another damn Canadian who has the ability to sing into the coldest, darkest crevices of my heart and evoke a compassion I haven't felt since I believed in Santa #Throwback. We need to test the water and figure out what they are doing up there. But anyway, this whole Cruelty to Animals business made me sad. 

As I wiped my tear-stained cheeks, I reflected on the remorse I felt for these animals. Once I got the “arms of an angel” chorus out of my head, it became abundantly clear that I do NOT give two shits about scruffy and misses minus one fluffy paw. 

And don't judge me! You don't care either. Just like you, I was caught in the mood of the whole thing. After seeing dogs with broken legs, kittens missing eyes, you are overwhelmed with the whole cruelty of the situation. It's not right, but truly inspired to make a change? . . .  I think not.

But then I thought deeper. There are people in the US who are living lives just as violent and depressing as these animals, but we don't help them! Somebody oughta make a program to help rescue these people. AND it should come with a similar, almost identical commercial:

Hi. I’m the president of AATCOS. Will you be an angel for a helpless gangbanger? Everyday innocent people are abused, beaten, and neglected . . . by gangsters and thugs. They are crying out for help! Please, call the number on your screen. Join the Adopt-A-Thug-Clean-Our-Streets program at AATCOS.com. Sign up and give a monthly gift, right now. For just 18 dollars a month, 60 cents a day, you can help rescue attackers and victims from the cyclic gang violence terrorizing our country. You’ll help rescue thugs from their dead-end lifestyles by providing medical care, food, shelter, and love. If you join right now, you’ll receive a Welcome Kit, with a photo of a disadvantaged youth. One who has been given a second chance, thanks to you.

 Right now, there’s a thug who needs you. Your call says, I’m here to help. Please call, right now.

And you’re probably thinking, why should I care? I am no where near a ghetto or project or the trap. And to you I say, ha Ha HA! You think you are safe now? Wait until Lil DayLaShawnTay figures out there is more to get got! Save yourself the trouble and just give him a portion up front. Not only is this an investment that will save you money in the long run, but you are also freeing about 15 years of post-robbery, traumatic, socioeconomic-based stress which can only be treated by $175/hour therapy sessions.

Anyway, just a thought. But for serious, we, as in all of us, need to take personal responsibility for our neighborhoods. If we don’t take care of each other, and our pets, no one else will. #ThugLife 

Why Religion Makes Normally Logical People Crazy

WARNING: If you are a Christian or somewhat religious the following is incredibly offensive. Look away now! Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

There should be a stronger word to define how inappropriate this blog post is. Fact, I am a habitual line stepper. Fact, I am also extremely inquisitive. That combination, alone, makes me the WORST Christian. Aside: My public education system should have never told me to always ask questions because I have yet to stop! Anyway, on to offending people! Mush!!

I don’t know why I have been thinking so hard about this lately but I have been quite perturbed on the spirituality aspect of my life. Maybe it’s because religion involves such blind, illogical, non-resistance known as “faith.” Or maybe I am just PMSing. Or maybe the holidays got me a little out of funk.

Either way, I was peeping Dexter (not as good as #HBO but ehh, I can deal) and he was talking about a red-suited, fat man who brings gifts. . . . Anyway, Dexter mentioned that Santa wasn’t real and all of this Christmas happiness is based on a lie. And to me, that was kind of like a double doozy.

1. Of course Santa is not real. How crazy is it that some guy has been sneaking into houses for hundreds of years and hasn’t got gunned down by a hillbilly in Mississippi with a sawed off shotgun?

2. Christmas isn’t about Santa, it’s about Jesus. Jesus Christ! Christmas! C’mon Dexter!

And then I really thought and contemplated. How can we so readily accept that Santa is real when Jesus and Santa kinda do the same thing? Like for reals, this is what the-rastafarian-who-does-my-hair-sometimes was saying (FYI: future blog about this guy is in the works).

So here is a list of things that defeat logic, but my religion makes me believe:

Jesus watches over us, so we should be more Christ-like. The whole Santa thing is a trick to keep kids well-behaved for the year. It’s crazy to think that we are watched 24/7 by some old, fat man. BUT Jesus is not a man, he is the human form of God. And it is perfectly rational to believe this human-form-of-God is always with us (individually of course) and is totally NOT putting us on a Naughty or Nice list. #CoincidenceIThinkNot

Even though I am Black, I can be a Christian. Christians and Blacks haven’t had the best track record. Only a generation ago, Christians were the ones burning crosses in our front yard. #SelectiveAmnesia. Yet, Black folk use the Bible despite this alarming fact. I find it weird that if you open up the Bible, you may find a few passages that call for racial cleansing (Example, Midianites in Numbers 31:7-18). To be fair, God only wanted the Midianites dead because they weren’t Jewish. Plus, he kept the female virgins alive...

God is kind and benevolent. So, if you truly believe that God is in control of everything, He is to be blamed for a lot of the not-so-kind, not-so-benevolent recent events. And yes, I mean everything from killing the first born of every Egyptian family to letting a maniac kill children who attend an Elementary school in Connecticut. Fact: these are NOT the acts of a benevolent spirit.

The Bible is a book of miracles, not fairy tales. I truly doubt that every “Christian” believes the tales of the bible. A lot of them honestly sound like something you read in a pop-up book to a child before they go to sleep. Examples include a woman is made from a rib, a man builds an ark for two of every animal, a man talks to a burning bush, a boy defeats a giant, a prostitute washes Jesus’ feet, etc.

A day in church is a list of tasks that are not magical in nature. According to Christianity, rituals are wrong. Not sure why but it’s either because they are too much like black magic or they lead to OCD. Witchcraft and performing spells are also wrong, because it involves some communication with the Devil. However, performing the same “tasks” on a recurring basis (but not like a ritual) in the name of God is okay. In addition, free-styling a language, or speaking in tongues, is okay, because God knows what you mean BUT Satan doesn’t. FYI: Satan is also near every person all the time, too.

In short, when people say Christians are hypocritical, backwards, and/or inconsistently crazy I have to agree. Most “Christians” are not exemplary. We have folks who judge others based on how they interact with their husbands, folks who have kids before they are married, folks who get divorced, folks who get abortions, and folks who are gay. If you go by the “rules” of the Bible, these things, although reoccurring in the Church, are not Christ-like. Yet, Christians tend to nitpick which “rules” to follow.

Unfortunately, or not, Christianity is NOT based on rules. I will argue that Christianity is experience-based and based on faith. My approach to religion is emotional, spiritual, and solely based on what has happened in my lifetime. Fact: Nobody can prove God is real. But I can share how an incredibly inefficient corporation is still successful. I know how I got a Bachelor’s in Engineering, working 3 jobs, and worrying about my brother in the military. I have seen mothers raise kids by themselves with nothing but their own strength.

But I am legitimately odd. I see the world in rose-colored glasses. I am the type of person who can read the statements above, know it is true, but still not be waivered by fact. To me, God is real because I don’t believe in coincidences. Someone is in control, and if not, we are screwed.

Plus, we are essentially following the same religions of our Ancient ancestors. Fun fact, there are a lot of coincidental similarities between Horus (son of Ancient Egyptian god Ra) and Jesus. So, it is my opinion that we are praising the same God in the same way, but with a different name. Hmmmmmm.

I suggest you do the research yourself. Either way, I aint got no worries #LilWayne. Boom!

The Gay Scale

I love my family. And being around them further re-affirms how weird and odd I am. My family is ridiculously open about almost every topic that would be considered taboo, inappropriate, embarrassing, etc. by most normal people. Yet, in our strange openness we learn major life lessons, kinda like at the end of a daytime cartoon. . . . except this enlightening convo was about sex. #Roar

Ya see, the kin in my generation often sit around, as family tends to do, and discuss our various opinions, experiences, and lessons learned regarding intercourse. It’s like “Knights of the Round Table” crossed with a “Board of Directors Meeting,” sprinkled with a Dr. Seuss tone. We don’t come in with an agenda per say, but someone always has a romantic decision weighing them down. (Can you blame us? We are in our 20s). So we discuss important points, debate positives and negatives, set some things on the parking lot, share anecdotes, and then find out how to place Arthur back on the throne #DoubleEntendre #YeahISaidIt

So, it all started with the validity of sex therapy as a profession. Some people find sex, the way people feel about sex, the stigma of sex, the popularity of sex, the awkward parental discussions about sex, the various positions of sex, and whatever else sex-related incredibly interesting. To each its own.

Then the convo morphed into a thrilling debate on homosexuality. Why do some people consider themselves straight? How do others consider them self gay, or lesbian? And what is this in between area? After a long-winded debate, with alcohol, we all kind of agreed on this “gay scale” to go from straight to homo/carpet-muncher. Note: The scale is based on decisiveness, not necessarily on how gay you think you are. Your sexual awareness, or how well you know your own self, determines your queer-ability. AKA, you can’t help what you are, but you can lie to yourself about it.

Level 1 – Straight. This is the majority of people. They have no sexual interest in the opposite sex, in terms of long-term relationships. In this category, you may think someone of the same sex is attractive, but you will not have the urge to sleep with them. In addition, after experimenting, some “undecided” people realize they cannot be in a relationship with someone of the same sex. Maybe it’s the mechanics of intercourse, maybe it’s a difference in relationship role, whatever.

Level 2 – Bi Curious. This can also known as experimental. This person never had the chance to be with someone from the same sex but is extremely interested in trying. After experimentation, this person can either fall down the scale, back to straight, or move up the scale, toward gay. If you notice, experimentation is physical, not emotional. These levels are based on your preference for a LIFE partner, not a one night stand. Yet, as one lesbian told me, if you are thinking about experimenting, you are probably gay. #LesbiansAreDecisive

Level 3. Bisexual. Also known as open-minded. This person enjoys not only intercourse but also the relationship aspect of both genders. This person can see themselves being just as happy with a man as they can be with a woman, for eternity. In this case, it is becoming less of a "who can make me cum" and more of a life decision. I used to think bi folks couldn’t make up their mind, but really they don’t have to. #BOOM

Level 4. Gay. So this one is pretty obvious. This type of person prefers someone of the same gender. For women, known as lesbians. I had a discussion with a lesbian, cause honestly I still don’t get it, and I asked why you would choose to be with a woman. She said that she enjoyed the softness, the figure, and the caring nature of a woman. And I said you are so gay. End of discussion. 

Next Level – DTF. Being who I am, I have to give you a bonus track. So DTF, or down to fuck, can also be known as down for whatever. These people may enjoy women, men, both (at the same time), orgies, or they may even sleep with a dog. My advice: get away quickly. Note: DTF is not an advancement of Gay. In fact, DTF is a perpendicular advancement of something in between bi-curious and bisexuality. These people literally see both genders as sexual objects and are only looking for an orgasmic release. 

In truth, your sexuality is a better understanding of yourself. It is often mistaken for some physical choice one makes. As the first note said, you have to figure out the type of person you want to marry, share a mortgage with, attending PTA meetings with, go shopping for Xmas decorations with, etc. If life were just a physical thing only, a LOT more people would be homo. Queer eyes for the straight do have an advantage when it comes to that. #duh. However, I digress.

I am just trying to say homosexuality is natural. Don’t let the crazy religious people lie to you and tell you that it is not. In fact, it is as natural as hating asparagus or biting your nails (aka its all a preference). From the gay penguins in Central Park Zoo to the Whiptail lizard, which is a species of lizard have NO MALES, homosexuality existed way before God created people. I mean, if God really didn’t want homos, he would have stopped Noah from bringing the two gay lizards on the boat . . . that may have been wrong.

Well, too late now. We will get to religion next week.

Rap Lyrics Demystified – Ke$ha

So if you didn’t already know, Ke$ha (or as Glee refers to her “Kee-dollar sign-Ha”), is Hip-Hop’s first breakthrough, mainstream, white, female rapper. And if I can say, this trailblazer is one of the deepest, most-inspiring, thought-provoking rappers of all time! Her lyrics provide something that the rap game has long been missing, clarity into the social issues plaguing our society, our world, and possibly our universe. I now present her greatest and bravest song yet “Die Young,” a warning to the dangers of the infamous Illuminati.

I hear your heart beat to the beat of the drums

Our artist, Ke$ha, is telling us she is so close to some "one," that she is able to internalize their heart rate AND mind. It is obvious that her Buddha-like understanding of the human spirit has elevated herself into telepathy.

Oh what a shame that you came here with someone

At this point, she further emphasizes her telepathy by pointing out the fact that the “one” is not alone. Clearly, this “one” is a number of people, aka the Illuminati.

So while you're here in my arms

Not only is the singular manifestation of the Illuminati, or the “one,” is not alone, but Ke$ha is with them, bravely. This is an obvious reference to the Michael Jackson song with the lyrics “You are not alone, I am here with you.” In short, Michael Jackson was a member of the Illuminati.

Let's make the most of the night like we're gonna die young

We're gonna die young
We're gonna die young

Let's make the most of the night like we're gonna die young

Let's make the most of the night like we're gonna die young

In addition to her telepathy, Ke$ha has further grown her extrasensory perception. Her precognition is that the world is ending, aka the repetition of the “gonna die young” phrase 5 times.  Why five? Well, according to Ke$sha, this End Of The World prediction has failed humanity five times in the past by false prophets. . . her count.

Furthermore, she mentions that we need to “make the most of the night,” 3 times. Why 3? Well that’s because there are 3 Judeo religions, Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. Apparently, the Illuminati are in control of all 3. At the end of days, the world will be without light, or those religions.

Young hearts, out our minds

In this phrase, our groundbreaking rapper points instructs us how to discover the members of the Illuminati. She is expressing that the "young," aka any able-bodied person, needs to think outside of their mind. Thanks for the tip, girl.

Runnin like we outta time

This is a reference to Usain Bolt. He is in the Illuminati.

Wild childs, lookin' good

This is a reference to Go-for-the-Gold Gabby Douglas. The wild child reference is a repeat of the mainstream media's claims that her hair was un-presentable and wild, aka "nappy." 

Livin hard just like we should

This is an obvious reference to the Jay-Z song, it a Hard Knock Life. He is a member of the Illuminati, in addition to his wife Beyonce and daughter Blue.

Don't care whose watching when we tearing it up (You Know)The Illuminati are doing it right in our faces! Yet, the "we" is us. We simply tear it up or ignore the signs. Listen to Ke$ha as she tries to save humanity!

That magic that we got nobody can touch (For sure)This obvious reference to Black Magic means Carlos Santana is also a member of the Illuminati.

I can't go on because the rest would scare babies out of their cribs. Seriously, Ke$ha, is so brave to reveal what she has learned. Be aware of the Illuminati and their tricks!

This has been another in-depth look into the incredibly deep lyrics of a true artist.

Change Keeps Changing

First and foremost, Happy Thanksgiving. To those outside of the US, this is one of the great holidays, because we eat Turkey and food and pie. Pretty much, America gains weight and pushes the landscape deeper into the ocean.

Anyway, as I move from my crappy, empty, undecorated apartment in Vernon Rockville Connecticut, which may be deemed the least interesting place in the US, I think of many aspects of my shift. The people I am leaving behind, the memories I have made, the experiences I have had, they were all cool. But the fact is Vernon Rockville and Me don’t get along. So, really there is no sense in prolonging the inevitable.

I am very “open-minded” when it comes to change. And I agree with whoever when they said change is difficult. I think whatever Whoever was referring to, he and/or she didn’t have military dependents, and the like, in mind. To us, change is not difficult. In fact, change is easy. Things that are hard include but are not limited to finding one lover for the rest of your life, untie-ing a knot in your shoe laces, and getting “red wine” out of a white carpet (ask #Dexter). I mean really tough.

I would say that not only is moving fun and enjoyable, but it is medicinal and improves confidence, like green tea with honey. For me, it allowed a rejuvenating notion to de-clutter and over-simplify my life. If you live in a primary color (aka red, green, and blue) world like me, you tend to view things in black and white (see what I did there. I made mention of the same concept with two different color schemes. No, it doesn’t make sense. Yes, it was only meant to confuse. I know am a jerk. A weirdo as well.) In any case, I organize by one rule: it is trash unless I see myself using it in the next month. So yes, shorts and flip flops are gone. Tank tops I will keep. And the Christmas tree barely made the cut. But I’m not so sure about next year.

Please find the follow reasons for why I am an advocate for change:

1. Hoarding.Yes, we have all seen those shows. Families sleeping on top of trash because they have issues letting go. It is an extreme case of avoiding change but a scary thought nonetheless.
2. Stockholm Syndrome. This is what I was developing in Connecticut. Pretty much, CT held me captive for so long that, towards the end of my stay, I felt obligated to defend it. This can also be referred to as traumatic bonding. Solution: detach yourself.
3. Filibuster.AKA Congressional Gridlock. Aka some jerk who puts his/her own interests before their government and impedes congressional decisions. Again, another extreme case of stagnancy but something we should consider.
4. Stoop Kid. 80s babies and 90s children have all seen that episode of #HeyArnold about the orphan who has a parental connection with his front porch. Well, even though he eventually leaves, he still stuck around. He overcame his fear and then . . . stayed on the stoop. Note to self, avoid this kid.
5. Zombies. I am sure you are all familiar with the popularized science fiction creatures or AMC's #WalkingDead. In sci-fi reality, Zombies/Biters are people who are not able to change. They lie in a dormant state, somewhere between alive and dead, with an idle mental state and concerned only with eating people. If they could #EatPrayLove . . . they would evolve. But they can’t so we must kill them . . .  again!

The above examples may be deemed extreme and illogical, but we aren’t here to judge my logic. My point is to explain how change is necessary and good.

Annnddddd to totally contradict myself, change may be great and all BUT it is also circular. In truth, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Example, let’s take this whole changing demographic dilemma of America. Recently, Republicans have been deciding if they should amend the views of their party that exclude any non-white, non-male individuals. This adaptation will reflect the they are no longer the majority and keep the party alive in the next decade (well #NoShitSherlock). Well, according to history, the first Thanksgiving was celebrated because us then Red-Indian, Brown-skinned Americans (majority) were happy to have met such friendly Gun-toting, God-fearing Europeans (minority). Smoked some peace pipe, taught them how to farm, and then threw a party. Then came the rape and murder and other Thanksgiving traditions, which for some reason we haven’t keep in the traditional cycle. Now that I think about it, is that why we call it Black Friday? Cause the Europeans came in the middle of the night bearing gifts for the Native Americans. Anyway, I digress.

Through time, Americans became a nation of Dark-skinned minority and Fair-skinned majority. However, the US is returning to a Mocha-skinned majority with a Vanilla bean minority (obviously still eating leftovers). It’s kind of creepy how the world works but yeah!

In summary, change is as constant as time. And we know time pulls a 360 every 12 hours (or 24 hours in military time). Seasons come, go, and return, and go, and then come back, etc. So yes, I am bound to end up back in Connecticut, probably sooner then later. But until then, I will enjoy the newness that is Northern Virginia. Novvaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

The Reversal of Self Denial

The following is pretty much everything I know about psychology. Be warned, it’s elementary, My Dear Watson.

So I learned a new word today, mercurial #TheColbertReport. Quick synopsis, it is a synonym for fickle. It means something that is ever changing. And from that quick Dictionary.com definition, I thought the following random thoughts:

-   The “Don’t Go Changing” song, sung by Shrek of course

- “Be the change you want to see” quote from I Don’t Know

-  The library scene from Bloomington #LesbianDrama #DontJudgeMe

So, I decided to blog about Bloomington and what I learned from this movie. (FYI: To all those who live outside of the Rainbow Coalition, Bloomington is possibly the greatest free gem found on Hulu. It’s Brokeback Mountain, except with lesbians.)

Quick Rundown: A female psychology professor falls in love with one of her female students. However, in this one scene the directors (who literally emphasized the idea 3 times) explain this concept that blew my mind, the Reversal of Self-Denial. This is what the lesbian prof tells her academic lover:

If you deny yourself something for long enough, for whatever self-imposed reason, the moment that you’re faced with any real external imposition, you are going to voluntarily want to do the thing you were trying so hard not to do.

This is the theory, in a much clearer explanation:

- You try to deny yourself something, you succeed!

- Something else denies you of that same thing, you fail!

And for the slow ones:

Only YOU can deny yourself something, but nothing else can.

At first, it’s kind of a weird idea, a lot like reverse psychology, but for some reason it stuck with me. I think this applies to more people than not. Let’s use “success” as an example.

So according to these Fox5News organizations, minorities (Blacks, Latinos, and the like) have this self-imposed fear of success. I would like to retort that that there are people of ANY ethnicity, the life-challenged if you will, who seek to deny themselves good opportunities by being self-destructive. However, when an outside force, aka a Hater, actually attempts to prevent them from being successful, suddenly the life-challenged will have all the ambition in the world to be successful. Their driving force, you might ask? To prove their “Hater” wrong. Although, before said Hater spoke, the biggest hater was their self. #Deep

Usually, I just call this ironic. But the lez-ban movie calls it the reversal of self-denial. Whatever. Potato tomato let’s make a soup!

I thought about this for a while, wondering how and/or why this reversal of self-denial happens. Why do people create restrictions for themselves? It’s strange how, unchallenged, we create our own barriers? But when we are pushed to create barriers, we strive to cause friction. Is that it? Do we simply live in Opposite world, where every day is opposite day? And our main goal is to argue with outside forces? Is conflict soothing? Must we be so different? So stubborn? So much like crabs in a barrel.

Quick Review: Crabs in a barrel is a reference used for Black people. It is the idea that the Black race is like crabs in a barrel. Whenever one crab seeks to climb out of the bucket, the other crabs pull it down. Hence, crab fishers have no need to constrain the crabs with barrel tops. The crabs will simply hold each other down. And I don’t mean hold you down in the loving and protective sense, I mean hold you as in refrain you.

The one thing I learned in Mr. Jean’s Music class in Gorman Crossing Elementary School is to not have excuses. They are the tools of incompetence to build monuments of nothingness. And those who specialize in the use of them seldom excel at anything, other than creating excuses. Thank you Mr. Jean!

Rich People Don't Suck

I would like to start this off by saying Robin Hood is probably the biggest ass hole in childhood literature! And no I don’t mean the movie with the Men in Tights (although the main character in that movie was a pretentious jerk whose bravery was as fake as his heterosexual agenda of being alone and drunk in the woods with a brigade of men. Other than that, you can bet every time Men In Tights comes on Cinemax, I am in there like swimwear). That movie is HILARIOUS! #ImJustSaying

However, back to Robin Hood. This story perpetuates the idea that the rich, who worked hard for their money, have the voluntary or involuntarily obligation to donate it to the less fortunate. Essentially, Robin Hood and society are pro-lifing the wealthy to give their money to the poor. Pardon me but this is just as ridiculous as making a woman have a baby that she does not want. Again, I vote pro-choice.

Secondly, it perpetuates the idea that the poor are completely helpless. They are forever stuck in that unfortunate, disadvantaged state and can only accept handouts. I think this is an unfair assumption of poor people. The last disadvantaged person I met had literally flung himself on my car just to create a reason for him to clean my windshields. Talk about a gimmick! You Betta Work!!

In review, there is an obvious communist agenda in this story. The author, who ironically is not named, seeks to eliminate class distinctions and use Robin Hood as the dictator who decides when working folks have made too much money. And if they resist the urge to literally give away their money, some thief is going to take it from them. Despite the fact that they may be socially responsible in other ways (aka donating clothes, rehabilitating the injured, reading to the blind, whatever), that isn’t the same as cold, hard cash. And they should be punished!

I mean damn. Usually, I am not one to defend the wealthy but this is the Republican in me speaking “that is not right!” Not to be hypocritical but we all, at one point in our lives, envied a rich person for having more than us. But that envy should not drive us to steal from them. That’s 75% insane (and 57% being the reverse of 75% is just a coincidence . . . to those who are paying attention). Note: We, as a country, need to drop our emphasis on materialism and focus on the things in life that matter. Or, if not, try and be more rational.

This brings us into the economics lesson of the day, or my version of Supply and Demand 101:

The basics: The law of demand states that the higher the price of a good, the less people demand that good, and the less there are of that good. (Price ↑, Demand ↓, Supply ↓)
In reverse, as demand for the good rises, a greater supply of the good must rise, and the cost of that good is driven down. (Price ↓, Demand ↑, Supply ↑)

The example: Right now, I am doing well. But I can’t afford a battery-powered car. The price is too high and the manufacturers don’t have a reason to produce more because the demand is not there. (Price ↑, Demand ↓, Supply ↓) But if more rich people bought it, the demand would increase. Then, the manufacturers would have to make more. And obtaining money from their profits, eventually the price would go down. (Price ↓, Demand ↑, Supply ↑).  #BasicShit.

So remember, rich people can sometimes suck. They have more money than us, throw extravagant parties, know attractive people, snort better drugs, and so forth and so on. But WE need THEM to do the things we envy them for. If it wasn’t for them spending their disposable income, then we wouldn’t be able to afford anything. So no! We don’t need to Robin Hood their stuff, eventually we will be able to afford it ourselves. . . Although free ninety nine is tempting.

Plus, who actually wants to be rich? The Producer Formerly Known as Puffy, or The PF Kap, once said “Mo Money, Mo Problems.” If not having money is your only problem, consider yourself lucky. Rich people have like 99 Problems that make them do things like go on Prozac, jump out windows, and kill their spouses (You ever seen Snapped on Lifetime? #TrueStory).

When I reflect on my life, me, myself, personally, the time I was most poor was the most fun. I was in college, broke as a joke, living off of Ramen and whatever I could get for free (Thank You Lecture Series). Yet, I partied every weekend, had amazing times with amazing friends, and learned so much about life. Then I got a job that paid me a shit ton. And now, I am bored out of my mind.

But in truth, when you got money, you don’t really need friends. #RichPeopleProblems. Ehhh, it’s whatever. I’m gonna go get drunk for the fifth time this week and party like a Lonely Rockstar. Deuces!

Politicians in Skirts and Flip Flops

This year’s election campaign has been brutal. I mean truly negative. And I shouldn’t voice my opinion, because I would hate to sway a few undecided voters, but BOTH candidates lack the IT factor (I mean “it” as in the pronoun representing the indescribable trait that makes someone special. Not like “it” as in the information technology acronym or Dave Pelzer in A Child Called It).

Truth be told, who you vote for won’t have a HUGE impact on your life, per say. Essentially, the president just heads a bunch of committees that make big decisions about the overarching infrastructure of our country as a whole. So, most of the changes he/she makes will go unnoticed for years. #SpoilerAlert. (Slight digression but I am bringing it back)

All in all, the negativity of this year’s election has trickled down to even the state level. Up here in Connecticut, Linda McMahon and Chris Murphy are going at it like Itchy and Scratchy. And most people are giving in to the cynicism. I mean, honestly, the average Joe looks at these candidates as if they are trying to decipher who is the assassin with the contractual mission to kill the American dream (either by selling us to China or raging another unconstitutional war). But the problem is not the candidates; the problem is us.

We, as a country, are getting so wrapped up in the name-calling, the wise-cracks, the back pats, the tie colors, and every other possible erroneous topic. None of these things are actual presidential requirements!! For example, when did the attentiveness of the candidate’s listening face become the deciding factor for the leader of the free world? Our focus has strayed from what they are saying in these campaigns, debates, and commercials to how they move, their stances, gestures, and mispronunciations.

This isn’t The Voice, American Idol, the X Factor, The Next: Fame is At Your Door, Dancing With The Stars, America’s Best Dance Crew, America’s Got Talent, The Sing Off, The Duet, or whatever other crappy competition where you vote for your favorite “act.” This is the Presidential Election! By deciding if the holder of the most powerful position in the world is someone we can sit down and chat with over a pint, we neglect the issues. And really, that is an injustice to ourselves.

So here is my solution: Blind Voting! We vote on issues and not on the actual President. A crazy thought right? But bear with me. What if, on the ballot, we could choose our stance on an issue, and then have those decisions tell us which candidate to pick? In this case, we won't choose the person based on party (Democrat or Republican), Race (Chocolate or Vanilla), Religion (Mormon or Christian), or whatever else. Kinda brings an element of surprise to voting, don't it? #CakeCakeCake

Reason 1:

This bi-partisan crap is driving away the issues and bringing focus on “who” we are electing and not “what” they stand for. Yes the two-party system was created so that the Average person could align themselves with one of the two major political philosophies, those of Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson. It was Jefferson himself who said “men are naturally divided into two parties.” But we all know that these parties have changed significantly in the past, oh, 200 years. Nowadays, the parties are intertwined so much with Religion and Money, the state and federal government power struggle is irrelevant. So I propose we change it up a bit. Let’s vote on issues, and not on people.

Reason 2:

The average American iscapable of thought, despite our obsession with publicizing ignorance (6 Seasons of Jersey Shore). If you disregard our lazy dumbness and our dumb laziness, we are functional enough to pull it together for local elections. I mean, if we can vote for Proposition 15 and decide redistricting for our schools, we can voice our opinions for issues like abortion, education, and war. And no, I don’t mean each person in the country will vote on each and every move of the US. That shit cray. I mean vote for your opinion on issues, rather than the person who will enact those opinions. And whosoever aligns with your opinions gets your vote.

It’s just like Fantasy Football. Instead of picking teams (parties) to follow, you pick players (issues) based on their statistics (your thoughts). #YesImAGeniusWithoutWorkingForApple

So yeah that’s my highly improbable idea, blindly voting for the person who I think represents my views. I mean, it will probably not come into fruition. I'm just being silly, as usual. Me and my fantasy world, thinking the US public has opinions. And then, thinking the candidates will stick to a platform. No more flip flopping opinions (Romney) and skirting around issues (Obama).  Oh, silly me with my high apple pie in the sky hopes.

When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong

Yes I did steal that from Dave Chappelle. And no I didn’t ask permission nor am I giving him a damn dime. I know that he thought of it, but he owes me. I spent the better part of my High School years denying how awesome he was cause I didn’t want the “white kids” calling me a typical negro. I already had to resist fried chicken, show up early, and combat all the other stereotypes around them. Watching Chappelle Show would’ve had just tickled their fancies way too much for me to bear. So, Yes! Of course I watched Chappelle Show. I couldn’t miss that. It would be like missing The Boondocks. But if those little Reservoir ass holes asked me, I would deny it to the death. Note: Not for all students of Reservoir High school, just those few who pissed me the f^*$ off. Anyway, on to the post!

As I mentioned pre-rant, I stole this title from the Chappelle Show. But I am not using it in the same way. In fact, by altering its meaning, I am essentially changing the phrase. So technically, it isn’t copyright infringement. #ItsTheLaw

I love, Love, LOVE reading and watching movies. I’m obsessed because these works reveal the writer’s true emotions and intents, whether they want them to or not. The inferences of their plots, the reactions of the characters, the implications of the events, even the choice of settings intrigue me. And obviously, I love over-analyzing these things. Yay! Engineering and thinking WAY too deep into things. Party time!!

In truth, the best imaginative plotlines are those who, instead of using an actual product, invent one based on something in reality. My favorite example is Itchy and Scratchy from the Simpsons. They could have easily used Tom and Jerry. But for some reason, taking the liberty of creating your own animated cat and mouse duo gives the writers and/or artists the freedom to manipulate the drawings as they see fit. And yes, this is why I’m not the biggest fan of Family Guy. I think they just put a twisted spin on stuff that already exist. Not fact, just my opinion.

I know it’s a crazy idea but some imagined things are better than the real things they are based off of. And I have a few of my fave examples below:

The Beets.Featured on Doug and freaking Genius! Really!! It is a total rip off of any and every band coming out of London. And their songs, including Killer Tofu, will totally get stuck in your head. Loved everything from their odd clothes to their crazy songs!

Spiro T Agnew Middle School. That is freaking hilarious! To you all who are obviously not a millennial, this is the school where TJ Detweiler and crew did some amazing things during Recess. I loved the exaggeration of how our education systems sneak these little historical treats in our brain without telling us. Like naming a Middle School after a Vice President, genius and super creative!

Krabby Patty. Is it just me or don’t you want to just try one. I am pretty sure it is just a burger, just as good as a Big Mac or a Wendy’s sandwich. But I am interested nonetheless. On another note, why does Sexy Bob Short Pants want to spend his life working minimum wage at a fast food joint? Is the writer trying to say we as a society need to lower our financial expectations and set goals based on more long-term fulfillments, like blowing bubbles? What are you saying to me!?! Just tell me!

Cynthia. It is true that I hate Barbie dolls, but man did I want a damn Cynthia doll. Her dream house just seemed cooler. Or maybe it’s just because Angelica, from the show The Rugrats, got every freaking doll ever produced, #spoiled. God I was so jealous.

Terrence and Phillip.I mean yeah who didn’t watch Southpark and laugh at these Canadian imbeciles. But the funny thing about this comedic duo is that they are based on the Southpark show itself. So, the writers are actually ragging on their own immature humor and crappy animation via their cartoon within a cartoon. #MindBlown. Now, I am totally gonna blog about blogs that pretend to be deep and reflective, but are actually a combination of over-articulated thoughts, forced epiphanies, and Wikipedia research. . .  Nah. That sounds too much like right.

Anyway, in what other country can you sit around and insult major political figures without it resulting in any negative consequences? Just go to Englandand ask if the old hag is dead yet. Or imagine telling Indians that all Gandhi did was skip a few meals. Or tell Jamaicans that Bob Marley’s music was kinda boring. Or tell some guy from Thailand that Buddha needs to lay off the Chipotle. Whether it is politics, music, religion, whatever people are so easily offended.

So the genius comes in disguising your intentions. Instead of saying, for instance, Christians are a bunch of bible-thumping hypocrites who manipulate the Bible for their own personal gain, you can simply write a book about a religious cult who manipulate their religious manifestations for control of the masses. And hopefully, by drawing so many obvious similarities and parallels, people will realize that you are talking to them about them. . . Or not. In the worst case, they won’t notice it. So, you are essentially insulting them to their face without their acknowledgement. Umm, can you say FUN.

The point is sometimes you need to be fake to be real. And if you still haven’t learned anything from my half-educated ramblings, go watch your twitter feed or something. 

Steps to Becoming a Corporate Ho-fessional

Lesbi-honest. Women’s professional attire is beyond bi-curious and is totally confusing. It has a history of being dike-ish to the third degree. Yet, in present-day, it is often whore-like, prostitute-ish, and promiscuously slutbucket-prone. From the beginnings, where all jackets had shoulder pads to promote a masculine build, to now, where all button ups stop mid-chest, it is impossible to find a mature and aesthetic ensemble. You either look like a whore or look like a man. Me, myself, personally, I am just looking for some middle ground! Is it too much to ride the fence on this one?

To answer that question I hear you asking me (or one of the other talking voices in my head is asking), no I am not angry. I am frustrated Why? What could be wrong? Oh nothing, other than the world is ending, I have no direction in life, and I am confused on the fundamental basics of “everything.” But, my pet peeve for today is I can’t freaking figure out what to wear to work. It’s impossible. I don’t want to be one of two extremes, “whore” or “man.” I want to be sexy and professional. Flirtatious and charismatic. But not too pushy or unforgiving. Let me tease them with my curves, but stimulate them with my mind. I want to give my colleagues, men and women, work-gasms. Unfortunately, those garment mash-ups are hard to find.

So where do I go? What do I do? Hmmm. Although I live in a fantasy world, called SchquitaLand, where people are judged based on the content of their character and not on the color of their khakis, I do have a little insight. Aside from being an engineer for the better part of 4.5 years, I did have the opportunity to take a few business classes on Dress for Success. I learned about professional appropriate attire, and, frankly, it is ever-changing and hard to keep up with. Also, it is expensive. Please see the list of well-known basics exacerbated below:

1. A woman must be covered from above the knees to below the collar bone.This is what women wore as bathing suits in the 1920s. So, if they can go to the beach in it, we can go to work in it. Fair is fair! Plus, any more and you are “pushing the envelope.”

2. A woman must wear make-up.Women who wear makeup get better jobs, get promoted more quickly, and get paid more. Unfortunately, this is statistically proven. At the very least, put on some pucker-up lipstick and call it a day.

3. A woman must wear jewelry.I mean, this is misogynistic at best. But honestly, some jewelry is eye-catching and not too overbearing. You want to get noticed for your work, right? Give your boss a reason to walk over and check it out! #MakeSexismWork

4. A woman must wear closed toed shoes.I mean honestly, this one isn’t that bad. No flip-flops. No pedicure flashing. No toe jam or bunion distraction. Stay classy, not trashy.

5. A woman must have her suits altered.We know these truths to be self-evident, that all suits are created equally. Unfortunately, all women are not. And if you are unfortunate enough to be busty, with a phatty, and carry wide hips, you might as well live with a tailor. If the budget is tight, try getting some nice form-fitting, 30% spandex jackets. But, a tailor is totally worth the investment.
   
6. BONUS: Do push-ups cause they make your breasts bigger.So obviously, this is a bonus tip created by yours truly. Not a myth, it’s a fact. There IS a muscle underneath those “Tittle ol’ Litties”. But why do you want to make your breasts look bigger? Well, I mean, because men find comfort, safety, and security in boobies . . . maybe? And yes, this is a bit of a stretch but desperate times call for desperate measures. If you want to impress, don’t show more chest, just wake up your breasts. Milk them for all their worth (not literally).

Let’s face it; it is a man’s world. And men have one very astonishing characteristic: THEY ARE VISUAL. Despite knowing that, they are completely helpless in this; so use their impulses to your advantage. That’s how you can sell sex without actually selling sex. However, I digress.

If you live in 3012 and us women have taken over the world, you might have a female boss and female co-workers. Don’t take off the makeup just yet. Ironically, women aren’t necessarily visual, but we are ridiculously detail-oriented. So, we can totally spot that chick who tries extra hard in her ensemble. Keep up the effort, gurl!

So, in short I am wrong. I am backwards and sooo 1964. The way you dress is your personal brand. And I hate the fact that I am judged on my appearance. But life sucks, and then you die . . . . End Of Story!

My High School Sweetheart is Getting Out of Jail

I am obviously having a crappy week because this title is by far the least creative thing I’ve written in a while. It is blunt, straightforward, and lacks innovation. Let’s call this the Apple-After-Steve-Jobs title, or AASJ. I will do better . . . next time. 

Anyway, the title has no metaphorical significance. Nor is it an analogy of some sort. Nor is it borrowed from a song (And this is a total detour, but R&B and Country music are both equally depressing. This title could easily be either the name of one of those broken hearted, Keyshia Cole -type songs OR a unique rendition of those super sad, super violent Country songs with lyrics like “She broke my heart, so I broke her jaw.” #ImJustSaying). Any-who, this week’s entry is a reflection on the month of October and what it means to me. Prepare yourself as I invite you into my personal life. Note:  If you have no interest in my historically tragic love life, feel free to skip to my commentary on the artist Future or the sociopath Hitler. By the way, am I really this random in person? #DontAnswerThat

In High School, I was kind of an oddball, always weird, always myself (some things never change). Anyway, I was a straight-A student who had a secret crush on the bad boy, rebel-types. Senior year, I dated this guy, who henceforth will be known as Incarceration. Ya see, Incarceration had a violent streak in High School, which, at the time, was the definition of H-O-T-T hot! Incarceration was known as that one guy who would KILL YOU. I attribute his blatant disregard for the law and his obsession with all things “naughty” to one of the following:

Napoleon complex. Yeah Incarceration was a short man. Not Oompa Loompa-short but noticeably smaller. Don’t judge me!

Peer pressure. Of course I would date the one white guy with all black friends. What can I say? I like my cream with mocha.

Mother with Cancer. Yes, I did hit you with some hard reality just now.  

Whilst in our juvenile fling, my main function as Incarceration’s girlfriend was to calm him down as his mother’s condition worsened. Then, one day the word came, and my sole function was to console him because she had passed.

Her death came suddenly and viciously. And if you are a guy like Incarceration, feeling the world come crashing down on you, on top of hormones, school stress, and whatever else, you tend to lose your ever-loving mind. So, Incarceration went to prison, and I went to college. Sad love story, but aren’t they all?

Anyway, that being my first love, it was a tough loss. And no I’m not speaking about the emotional attachment I had to Incarceration. I am referencing the lost of adolescence. That was the day I understood how tragic “lost” can be. It disturbs me how much he had to grow in that short time from diagnosis to death. Incarceration was stripped away from his childhood, almost the second he learned of his mother’s illness.

I cant imagine what that feels like. Maybe like a child actor, being forced to play adult roles during the day, and then return to the broken remainder of a childhood they have in their trailer? Maybe? Anyway, in truth, being exposed to such R-rated emotion and events can have a huge, negative impact on a child. It killed MJ, it ruined Britney Spears, and it is coming for Honey Boo-Boo. And no I am not here to discuss America’s obsession with entertainment. That was just me going on a tangent again. The bigger problem is Cancer!

Without a doubt, Cancer is the most vicious, unforgiving, disgraceful disease of our time. It corrodes the family dynamic. It destroys adolescence. It creates widows. It changes lives forever. And the National Football League recognizes these truths.

So that is why I like October. It is football season, the leaves are changing, and we get a reminder that despite our pathetically disinteresting lives, there are people who are struggling in the world, fighting daily for their existence. And there’s nothing quite like a bunch of big, black, beautiful, behemoths chasing pig skin to help remind us of that. Yes, the NFL takes advantage of players and refs, is incredibly sexist, and impossibly over-commercialized. But watching these 6-ft-bajillion football players in their pink shoes, pink gloves, and pink socks, breaks my heart. And some go so far as to wear their pink accessories well past the month of October. I just love it!

I present now my philosophy: life sucks and then you die. At the very least, you can find some purpose in it. Even if that means turning your incredibly demanding and exploitive job into an awareness program. Or popularizing your heart-wrenching story to forewarn potential parents about the pitfalls of stardom. Or raising money to support a Cancer foundation in memory of a mother who changed how you saw the world. 

Whatever it is, just do it! #Nike

Just an FYI, I will try and be less “after school special” next week.

Rap Demystified: Future – Same Damn Time

So, I have been thinking about doing this series for a while now. It occurred to me that rap music has been deemed ignorant, disgraceful, and misogynistic by the fact-checkers of society #RepublicanJoke. Unfortunately, I think most people cannot capture the true essence of a rap song. These songs, at first glance, seem shallow and insubstantial. However, I am going to present what I believe is the truth behind the lyrics. Observe as I break down the crafty intricacies displayed by rap artists.

Presenting “Same Damn Time” by the artist Future:

I wear Gucci, I wear Bally at the same damn time
This line is about travelling the world. He is being exposed to Italy and Switzerland for the first time in his life and he is super excited.

On the phone, cooking dope, at the same damn time
This line is by far the most exciting. It has two double entendres back to back! He is cooking dope, which is a combination of culinary science and chemistry experimentation. Furthermore, he is on the phone communicating not only what he is doing now but also what he is going to do in the future. This ability to think simultaneously in the current and future state is phenomenal!

Selling white, selling mid, at the same damn time
Using his knowledge of drugs he is strategically comparing cocaine with marijuana. This is obviously a metaphor for the socioeconomic structure of the United States. Cocaine is higher priced and geared toward the Caucasian race, while marijuana is cheaper and geared toward the urban, Black/Hispanic communities. He is essentially saying if people were more like drugs, we could all get along! #Brilliant

Fucking 2 bad bitches at the same damn time
This is where the song really hit home for me. Future is reflecting on his life and is quite ironic. The fact that he is referring to these women as “bad” and “bitches” is horribly depressing. And he does not make love but rather “fucks” them. Poor guy! He is saying that the music industry is full of deceptive females who merely want to take advantage of him.

At the same damn time, at the same damn time
At the same damn time, at the same damn time
This line repeats the phrase four consecutive times. According to my previous count, the phrase had been said four times. Hence, he is mentioning this for the 8^th time. I love this because 8 is one of the most powerful numbers in the world. It is a Fibonacci number, a perfect cube, a time metric in music, a lucky number in Chinese culture, the number of days in Hanukkah, and so much more. Well chosen!

I'm in Pluto I'm in Mars at the same damn time
Using his knowledge of Greek culture, he is referring to Pluto as Hades, or Hell, and Mars, as the God of War. He once again, is reaching out saying that not only is the music industry full of self-hating, unreliable women, but the men are angry and spiteful.

On the sofa, poppin bottles at the same damn time
Future, the torn genius, is at his lowest moment. He is sitting down, in a state of reflection much like “The Thinker,” or Le Penseur, the statue in France; however, he is not able to concentrate. Instead, he is drowning in his own sorrows, losing the state of mind he articulates in his rap name.

Gucci made in Italy, Bally belt I'm killin shit
The way I rock a jimmy Chu's the word got out I'm dealin it
In his attempt to overcome his past negative reflecting, he is now focusing on his clothing and material belongings. He mentions the word got out, as his coming in to the rap world.

I fuck her she a immigrant
Don't touch her she got benefits
Once again, the women in his life show no interest in Future as the artist. He can have relations but nothing more.

Bussin down them benjamins
Fuckin up on Louie kicks, that's the way I'm kickin it
Pharaoh garment cover me
Again, his focus, or rather his narrowed distraction, is on his clothes. Further emphasizing how far he has traveled to receive these lavish items, which give him nothing more than a temporary feeling of joy. All we can have now is pity on Future.

Puerto Rican, Japanese, we laid up at the Double Tree
Now, he is referring to the lawsuit against the famous hotel where a man slipped, fell, and was literally laying on the floor. However, the minority groups mentioned in this line are the groups who would typically lose cases of this nature. The race relations in the United States are a major concern for this artist.

Yellow ice a bumble bee, pinky ring a quarter key
This is the best line in my opinion. He is talking not about jewelry but about the buried homosexual presence in the music industry. Obviously, Future is not a gay man; however, he has to present a confidence in his sexuality that would intrigue those men, who most likely manage, produce, and/or approve his music.

The lyrics go on to present more enlightening topics and opinions. All in all, this song is about race relations and Future’s struggles not only as a Black Man in America, but also as a Straight Man in the music industry. But I warn you, don’t let the hypothetical cat out of the bag. Your job depends on it!

Keep the poetry coming, Future! We love it!!